A Video Christmas Card

So we got together with some of our gamer friends and did a thing. You should watch. It’s silly.

The young man singing ‘2 Mashing Parents’? That’s TeenBot. And I’m sure you recognize the Evyl Robot and your high-voiced host.

Enjoy! And have a Merry Christmas. Yes, this is what I got you this year. No, you can’t take it back.

 

Amazon, It’s Getting Weird

First, you asked if my toilet paper met my expectations.

tp

Just how exactly am I supposed to answer that? Why yes, Amazon, now my bottom is delightfully poo free. Thanks for asking. 

Or maybe something like. I knew from the moment I opened the box that my days of drip drying were over.

I subscribe to this paper. Never missed an issue. Really, I just get it for the articles.

Oh well. I suppose since you sent me toilet paper, you’ve got to ask about it.

But that still doesn’t explain why you’ve now decided to redecorate my bathroom. You’ve got a rather…erm…interesting idea.

sloth

I’ve considered various themes for a bathroom. None of them included a Stripper Sloth Shower Curtain, but MAYBE THEY SHOULD. (Go ahead, click the link. You know you want one. Besides, it’s an affiliate link. Even if you don’t get the Stripper Sloth Shower Curtain, you’ll be helping keep quality content like this online.)

And what accessories does one need to complement a Stripper Sloth? I thought maybe the other customers that purchased this might have some ideas.

also bought

Well I don’t know about bathroom accessories, but if I drank a case of Surge, I’d be spending a lot of time contemplating my Stripper Sloth Shower curtain and being quite satisfied with my Cottonelle Clean Care Double Roll. And now the circle is complete.

Eye Catching Title Referencing Something Controversial

Introduction of my ideas regarding controversial issue. More words.

Maybe a gif

Thought out prose regarding how I came to this opinion. Some links.

Kitty.

Thought provoking conclusion.

Please provide your own inflammatory commentary below

A note about how I’ve edited a typo and corrected my link.

Further note attempting to clarify my position.

Did You All Get the Special Edition Jennifer Dream Decoder Ring on Black Friday?

‘Cause I didn’t. I didn’t even leave the house. But I had a pretty interesting dream last night and was hoping maybe one of you had gotten in on that deal.

So, I was an agent with some clandestine super secret squirrel organization. I was assigned to the night shift protecting some guy that lived way off the grid. The client was a paranoid nut job, but he was important to my employer. He was supposed to be some kind of genius and knew something no one else knew. He’d reported a stalking/threat type situation and so I was assigned babysitting duty.

He lived in a cabin deep in the woods with a giant black dog. Think mastiff sized. The client suffered from chronic insomnia brought on by his fear of this stalker, and so rather than sleep at night, he would sit in the front room of the cabin and talk to me. This went on for several nights. I would patiently listen while scratching behind the giant dog’s ears. Sometimes I’d bring the dog treats.

The client described his stalked as a man in sunglasses, a black hat, and pointy toed boots. The client still saw the man outside the cabin on many nights. I never did, but the dog would often growl in the direction the client said the man had been. Nothing ever triggered the motion lights I had set up on the perimeter, but the client assured me that the man was purest evil and was coming for him one day.

He didn’t only tell me about his stalker though. Some nights he would regale me with stories of his own secret spy days and his research. We developed quite the rapport. I thought of him less like a client and more like a distant uncle with nuggets of wisdom that would slip out in between the rambling of a dementia addled mind. I rather enjoyed his company. The dog would often snuggle up beside me on the sofa.

Having nothing better to do, I picked up some scraps from the butcher shop and headed out to the man’s shack early one night. Only to find that the normally well-behaved pooch had attacked the day shift agent. I couldn’t just call an ambulance because the man’s location was top-secret. But the man assured me that he would be fine while I rushed the other agent to help just as long as I returned before dark.

I returned at dusk to find the cabin burned to ground and the giant black dog was dead. Standing in the ashes was my client, wearing dark sunglasses, a black hat, and pointy toed boots. He was the stalker. The evil was inside him and had taken him over while I was gone.

And scene…

That’s it. All I got.

Meanwhile, Ferguson Burns

There was no good outcome possible from the grand jury decision. Had they indicted, the agitators would have rioted in supposed celebration. They were ready, waiting to start the fires, loot the businesses, and devolve the city into chaos. They were never interested in justice.

Eventually, the dust will settle. The agitators and their ilk will leave, and the people of Ferguson will attempt to get back to some semblance of a normal life. Business owners will have to make decisions on whether or not to rebuild. Many won’t, or at least they won’t rebuild there. And in the end, it’s the people that were caught in the middle that will pay.

No meaningful progress will be made in race relations with this. Quite the opposite, as I’ve already seen all over the internet. And truly, if your grievance is that the powers that be treat you like you are just thugs bent on crime and disorder, you aren’t bolstering your cause by proving them right. The person climbing out of the broken window on the front of the local electronics store carrying a brand new flat screen doesn’t exactly look like the victim here. It’s hard to argue that the police don’t need riot gear by staging a riot.

The world learned that there are real issues that needed to be addressed in Ferguson. I believe the events of this week will only set them back.

I agree with Peter, there are no winners here.

ETA: LawDog, as usual, has excellent thoughts on the matter.

 

Recognizing a Stroke FAST

I was a latch-key kid back in the seventh and eighth grade, my parents each working long hours to support our lifestyle. I’d catch the bus after school and come home to an empty house, which I had to myself for the next two to four hours. This was before the days of the internet and even though we had cable with every channel, that got pretty old pretty quickly.

So I did what any enterprising adolescent with entirely too much time on her hands does, I started getting off at the wrong bus stop. Specifically, the stop that was four stops after my own that just so happened to be a close friend’s stop. Her mom was a stay-at-home mom that always had something delicious to share although her dad worked, he worked odd hours and always enjoyed entertaining us when he was around. And he was a riot. You never knew what might happen next. I remember mentioning that the sugar cookies were rather mundane and so he laid them out directly on the kitchen counter and covered them in chocolate syrup. It was a mess! I couldn’t believe it.

One Sunday morning as the family was getting ready for church, he wasn’t feeling well and sent them on without him. Those were the last words he ever spoke to his family. They returned from the morning services to find him collapsed in the bathroom. They called the ambulance, and I got a frantic call from my friend.

We spent hours in that hospital waiting room. Doctor after somber faced doctor passing through with updates. He’d had a stroke. A big one. And he was gone. Just like that.

I stayed with my friend. Ate the seemingly never-ending casseroles that arrived that she couldn’t work up the appetite to eat. We were in the eighth grade. No one should lose their dad in the eighth grade.

Could that story have ended differently? Maybe, maybe not. Medical technology and knowledge has come a long way since then. Early intervention makes the biggest difference in the outcome for a stroke victim. But you can’t call in the pros unless you know what to look for. That’s where FAST comes in.

Graphic Provided by the American Recall Center

Graphic Provided by the American Recall Center

F-Face Drooping
A-Arm Weakness
S-Speech Difficulty
T-Time to Call 911

The American Recall Center reached out to me* to share this information as we are getting into the holidays. Hopefully, we will all be getting together with our families and friends that we may not see the rest of the year. This can be a wonderful time, but it can also be a stressful time. Stokes spike around this time of year and knowing the signs could make all the difference.

*The American Recall Center asked. They did not compensate me for this post in any way. I agreed that the information was important.

LOL! Whut?

So Taurus has decided that real pistols have curves.

Yes, really

Pic via Guns and Ammo

I guess they’re:

All about that base, ’bout that base, no safety.

All about that base, ’bout that base, no safety.

Yeah, it’s pretty clear, they ain’t got a clue

But they can sell it, sell it

Like they’re supposed to do

‘Cause they’ll put that boom boom straight down your right thigh

All the loud noises in all the wrong places.

Yeah, my salesman he told me don’t worry about the sights

He says, “Bad guys only come after booty at night.”

Ahem.

Instead of sights, it’s got cross hairs painted on the back of the slide because they intended it for point shooting. And a laser and light. But it does come with a handy dandy belt clip so you can go ahead and shove this striker fired double action lead tosser right on into your pants without a holster, as RECOMMENDED BY THE MANUFACTURER. You know, because everyone likes extra holes in their bodies due to exposed triggers.

No, just no. Don’t do this. This is a terrible idea. Yes, I saw the corny trigger protector they are including. *blink* Because that thing looks reliable. Well, maybe on the Taurus scale of reliability.

I am not generally one to bash a new product prior to ever actually putting my hands on it, but this thing is a joke. It’s a gimmick designed to separate some poor schmuck from their cash. But worse than that, it’s a dangerous gimmick. Someone is going to shove this bad boy into their sweatpants and wind up with a very loud scar. At best.

I agree with Caleb here, and think they put just as much thought into the pistol design as they did their promotional page.

Edited to update to double action rather than striker fired

Jennifer’s Fool Proof Post Holiday Diet

Here we go, barrelling straight into the holidays. The more restrained among you still have a bowl of Halloween candy that you’ve been surreptitiously snacking out of. Some of you have already eaten it, while still others have squirreled it away from insatiable teenagers that weren’t even here that night so it’s not like they suspect there’s candy in Mom and Dad’s room…

Not that your humble host would ever do such a thing. With the Snickers. And the Kit Kat…

But that’s all beside the point. We’re here to talk about the holiday weight gain, and I’m here to tell you with careful planning and discipline, you’ll be able to satisfy all your holiday cravings with a simple method which I will detail below.

I’ll get to that, but first let’s talk about the pie, and the potatoes, the stuffing, and the gravy. Oh the gravy! If they are doing it right, that gravy comes from all the drippings from the turkey. That’s right, the fat. And then they are going to add milk or cream. More delicious fat!

You think you’re playing it safe when you head for the “salads” and veggie trays? Think again. Those veggie trays are centered around a vat of ranch dressing. And the “salad”? This is not a salad, but you may find it displayed as one.

What if I told you that with the information I’m going to give you below the break, you could indulge in the snicker salad AND all of the miraculous cookies that appear in the your break room? You want to build a six-inch cone of whipped cream on top of that pumpkin pie, and I know you do, go for it. That specialty strawberry cream that you asked someone to make special for you. You won’t even have to take it home before you eat it straight out of the pie tin and still be amazed at the number on the scale.

All of this and more is offered to you completely free of charge. Just click below the break to subscribe to my completely fraudulent and non-existent newsletter. Just $9.99 a month. Read to the end for an exclusive discount!

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