Musing on Monkeys

So that little Dance, Monkey rant I wrote way back in 2010 has recently gained new life. You’ve probably stumbled across it since it has legs of its own now and walks free of its original creator (That’s called plagiarism, folks. If you see it, let me know). Sometimes it even picks up some extra words along the way.

Clearly, it resonates with people even still. I like that. I like when my words reach people. I like to think of all of you imaginary friends out there as real live people with thoughts, passions, experiences, opinions of your own. Something this response to my rant points out that I didn’t express well.

“You exist for my entertainment.”

Can you imagine saying that to another human being? I would hope that none of us could imagine it. Especially those of us who are Christians. The words go against the very foundation of our faith—the belief that God made us, loves us, and died to redeem us, and that His love gives us each worth.

She’s got a point, and I would never say that to another human being. Yes, my rant is worded personally, but it is directed self-important character these various celebrities play when they have an audience. Don’t get me wrong, I stand behind what I said in that rant seven years ago. The point is that despite what those in the public eye seem to believe, their opinions don’t matter any more than any other human being. Yes, they are human beings deserving of love and compassion with every right to their own opinions, but they do not have any authority to direct what you or I chose to believe.

My words were harsh and intentionally so. I make no apologies for them. I encourage you to read Gina Dalfonzo’s Rebuttal to me.  She takes a much kinder and gentler approach to reminding us all that no matter how many cameras are pointed at you or how much a platform you’re given, we’re all humans suffering the same human condition.

Combating Evil One Hashtag at a Time

…with signs? on Twitter? For the love of…

Just go read Larry’s post.

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Oh! You came back. I can’t really add anything here, but that’s never stopped me from trying before.

Seriously folks? Signs and hashtags and selfies? Really? I’m sure those big bad kidnappers that had no problem abducting innocent girls with the plan to sell them are kicking themselves now. I mean, their evilness is totally trending. They’re never going to bring up their Klout score now. #unfriend #unfollow #uncool

I bet they are totes going to give those girls back now. And they’re going to film it so it goes viral on YouTube. #winning

Dance Monkey makes pouty face, changes world. #filmat11 #firstworldsolutions

Because that’s exactly how brutal warlords do things. They make sure they are in consensus with popular opinion and act accordingly so as not to be shamed. #howitworks

#eyeroll #facepalm #sarcasm

Fun fact: This post contains more hashtags than every other entry combined #uselesstrivia

 

Only Martha Stewart Could Make Food Look This Awful

She claims this is French onion soup

frenchonion

Did it just come out of the microwave? I think you left it in too long.

And this? Is that soap?

soap

 

Now I get it. She ate this. ‘French onion soup’ is apparently the euphemism for what happened to her toilet afterwards.

 

And then we have the four sorbets of the apocalypse

sorbets

 

Crush them before they hatch!

To all you chefs that get the ‘honor’ of cooking for Martha Stewart, please, for the love of food, take her camera phone away.

(found via @shitfoodblogger who was found via the incomparable Mr. Lady who should be writing lots more.)

Achy Breaky Lament

How Billy Ray Cyrus should have reacted

Now you’ve shown the world what happened to my girl

You’ve torn off your clothes on MTV

Now I can’t face my friends. Oh what a fool I’ve been.

Whatever happened to my little Miley

 

I put you on the stage when you were underage

Sold your childhood out to Disney

I should have been a dad, instead I let you be a fad

Now look what you’ve grown up to be.

 

My daughter’s a tart, I didn’t do my part.

I just didn’t teach her any class

And now that’s she’s a tart, It really breaks my heart

If only I had spanked her little ass

Ooo

I really wasn’t going to comment. But then my brain ran off on it’s own tangent and this happened. Feel free to add verses in the comments.

Crawling Monkey

Awe. He got caught doing the wrong steps and now he’s so vewy vewy sowwy.

Asslt rifle fans,I do not agree wth u,nor do I fear u but I do love u and I’m sorry tht in my outrage I called you names.That was wrong. 3^{

Btw I don’t need a crisis mgr, just a conscience. Calling ppl names is inappropriate but my position on assault weapons hasn’t changed. ;^}

Found via Bonnie‘s Facebook. (You know, there’s kind of an effort going on for Bonnie. Just in case you haven’t noticed)

It’s so cute when they grovel. Almost sad, even. Gee, what a shock that some Dancing Monkey admits he has no conscience. (Okay, it’s maybe a little shocking that he admits it. No one is surprised that he doesn’t have one.)

Tell you what, Jimmy. It IS cute when you grovel. Why don’t you try that trick? While you’re at it, how about apologizing to all the children and parents you convinced to avoid regular vaccinations? Or is that a bridge too far? Oh wait! I used too many consonants! Let me try again.

UR nt forgv’n. KTHKSBAI

I Can Always Tell

When a dancing monkey has left their pie hole flapping.

Keep it up Jim Carrey, your moronic comments are great for blog traffic!

So the guy that’s famous for talking out his ass is talking out his ass and making dick jokes. I would wish for a vaccine against such mind-blowing stupidity, but he wouldn’t get it anyway.

JimCarry

 

Best Post Oscar Interview Ever

I’ve just become a huge fan of Jennifer Lawrence. She’s so delightfully real and self deprecating.

You rock! I’m totally laughing with you. This next shot is in your honor. I might even say that word that starts with F and make a face.

Quote Of The Day: Unexpected Source Edition

Arm the women of the world–send guns and ammo everywhere–train them to make clean headshots.

Can’t argue with that. Well said, Roseanne Barr

Huh?

I suppose even a broken clock is right twice a day. This monkey is breaking out a brand new dance move.

Head-shots are notoriously difficult, though.  Center mass is probably better advice. All of it better than a whistle.