Only Martha Stewart Could Make Food Look This Awful

She claims this is French onion soup

frenchonion

Did it just come out of the microwave? I think you left it in too long.

And this? Is that soap?

soap

 

Now I get it. She ate this. ‘French onion soup’ is apparently the euphemism for what happened to her toilet afterwards.

 

And then we have the four sorbets of the apocalypse

sorbets

 

Crush them before they hatch!

To all you chefs that get the ‘honor’ of cooking for Martha Stewart, please, for the love of food, take her camera phone away.

(found via @shitfoodblogger who was found via the incomparable Mr. Lady who should be writing lots more.)

Achy Breaky Lament

How Billy Ray Cyrus should have reacted

Now you’ve shown the world what happened to my girl

You’ve torn off your clothes on MTV

Now I can’t face my friends. Oh what a fool I’ve been.

Whatever happened to my little Miley

 

I put you on the stage when you were underage

Sold your childhood out to Disney

I should have been a dad, instead I let you be a fad

Now look what you’ve grown up to be.

 

My daughter’s a tart, I didn’t do my part.

I just didn’t teach her any class

And now that’s she’s a tart, It really breaks my heart

If only I had spanked her little ass

Ooo

I really wasn’t going to comment. But then my brain ran off on it’s own tangent and this happened. Feel free to add verses in the comments.

Crawling Monkey

Awe. He got caught doing the wrong steps and now he’s so vewy vewy sowwy.

Asslt rifle fans,I do not agree wth u,nor do I fear u but I do love u and I’m sorry tht in my outrage I called you names.That was wrong. 3^{

Btw I don’t need a crisis mgr, just a conscience. Calling ppl names is inappropriate but my position on assault weapons hasn’t changed. ;^}

Found via Bonnie‘s Facebook. (You know, there’s kind of an effort going on for Bonnie. Just in case you haven’t noticed)

It’s so cute when they grovel. Almost sad, even. Gee, what a shock that some Dancing Monkey admits he has no conscience. (Okay, it’s maybe a little shocking that he admits it. No one is surprised that he doesn’t have one.)

Tell you what, Jimmy. It IS cute when you grovel. Why don’t you try that trick? While you’re at it, how about apologizing to all the children and parents you convinced to avoid regular vaccinations? Or is that a bridge too far? Oh wait! I used too many consonants! Let me try again.

UR nt forgv’n. KTHKSBAI

Quote Of The Day: Unexpected Source Edition

Arm the women of the world–send guns and ammo everywhere–train them to make clean headshots.

Can’t argue with that. Well said, Roseanne Barr

Huh?

I suppose even a broken clock is right twice a day. This monkey is breaking out a brand new dance move.

Head-shots are notoriously difficult, though.  Center mass is probably better advice. All of it better than a whistle.

I’m Famous!

Fox News has definitive proof that this little collection of 1′s and 0′s has been observed by none other than Quentin Tarantino (Thanks for correcting my spelling, Hank).  It’s true. But I’m not sure he likes it. He never comments.  Or, it he does, he uses another name.

But Jen! Where’s the proof?

Oh yeah.  Well, a while back I spouted off some little rant about Hollywood celebrities that turned into my most read, most commented on, most linked post ever.  Yes, I am referring to Dance, Monkey.

Heh. Who knew it would gain so much traction?

So imagine my surprise when I saw this little quip in an article.

“I’m not biting. I refuse your question,” Tarrantino fired back. ““I’m not your slave and you’re not my master. You can’t make me dance to your tune. I’m not a monkey….I refuse.”

I guess he’s not a fan…

It’s alright, Quinton.  I know I don’t need to tell you that your coffee is good.

shutpiehole

Hey Wordslinging Monkey

Your pie hole is doing that thing. You might want to see to that.

Don’t you know that it’s your drug-addled, alcohol-fueled dreams that we want to read? Not your short-sighted collectivist BS.

Ya know what? When you make money, it helps more than the 20 some-odd people you directly employ.  Guess who works at bookstores?  People.  Movie theaters? People. Publishing houses? People. Etc. So yeah, when your getting your icky richness on, it’s spreading that pernicious wealth all over the middle class.

Your high horse is dead.  Stop kicking it.

And, oh yeah, Dance, Monkey!

(found via the Head Mistress Snarkslinger where you should have read it far before stumbling on my corner of the interwebs. Hint-go there now)