Frank?

Um???

Frank.

Well, I did buy that swimsuit. I guess I am now Frank. Frank is an extra large Chinese woman, FYI.

The Office Food Thief

(To the Tune of My Favorite Things)

Left-over pizza and take out Chinese Food,

Nevermind stealing a lunch is just plain rude.

All of the Styrofoam stacked in the fridge,

No one will notice if I have a smidge.

*chorus*

When the work’s hard.

I can’t manage.

When the boss is mad.

I simply remember the things in the fridge,

And then I don’t feel so bad.

*chorus*

Cream filled confections,

And crisp apple strudels.

Big plates of lasagna,

And meatballs with noodles.

All of these leftovers I can salvage.

This is what I find when I raid the fridge.

*chorus*

Homemade creations,

Hot pockets a-plenty.

There’s so much food here,

I never feel guilty.

I’m doing my part preventing spoilage,

Otherwise there would be stink in the fridge.

*chorus*

 

I can’t remember whether or not I had shared this previously, but it came up in conversation around the office. Enjoy!

Conversations Without Context

Me: *Digging through bag pulling out various items*

Friend: Was that a bottle of emergency tequila?

Me: *shrugging* Yeah

Friend: Why do have a bottle of emergency tequila?

Me: Because I dropped my emergency scotch in front of the elementary school.

Of course.

 

 

Oh the Silliness!

Honestly, I was just testing the video capture. I was playing around and didn’t expect it to be so funny. And yet…

Well, the silliness happened. Have I mentioned that I turn lots of things into improv musicals?

 

I Became Briefly Invisible Today

I think 2015 will be the year where I develop my super-powers. Obviously, I must have them. All the ass-kicking super-hero women in the TV shows wear heels, I took a defensive shotgun class in 3-inch heels. Ergo, I must be a latent super-hero.

Logic!

And today, I was briefly invisible. You see, in the office, we’ve got those fancy toilets with the sensor that can see you while you’re sitting there and then flushes the toilet when it can’t see you anymore.

It flushed today. While I was still sitting there. Logically, I must have become invisible. See, hypothesis + evidence = science!

Feline Wisdom for 2015

Well since my 2013 resolution was never broken nor fulfilled, my resolution obligation remains in limbo. So I’m just going to let Ferrule take over the blog today. He’s been reading my Facebook news feed and judging you.

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He even took over my keyboard.

20150101_150837

7777777777777

Yes, that was Ferrule. He’s very helpful. He’s got some words of wisdom for 2015.

1. Sit more. Sitting makes laps and laps are for sits. It’s where petting happens.

2. Make peace with the pet hair. I’m just going to make more.

3. Strings! They are great, just had to mention it.

4. Poop happens. Sometimes when you least expect it.

5. The loud thing with headlight that eats cat hair? Just put it away. See number 2

6. When something bothers you, bite its butt, fluff your tail, and strut away.

7. Dude. Catnip. Dude.

8. There will always be more kibble in the bowl, don’t stress about it.

9. Go to the backdoor and sing about your adventures. Preferably while your humans are engrossed in the warm boxes with the screens that they keep on their laps. Besides, laps are for sits and petting, not typing.

10. When life gets scary, hide under the buffet until Mama gets home.

This post has been reviewed by the resident feline editor, Chance

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Yes, he is also judging you.

On This, The Penultimate Day of 2014

Ok, you caught me. I have nothing at all profound to say. I just wanted to use the word, ‘Penultimate.’

Amazon, It’s Getting Weird

First, you asked if my toilet paper met my expectations.

tp

Just how exactly am I supposed to answer that? Why yes, Amazon, now my bottom is delightfully poo free. Thanks for asking. 

Or maybe something like. I knew from the moment I opened the box that my days of drip drying were over.

I subscribe to this paper. Never missed an issue. Really, I just get it for the articles.

Oh well. I suppose since you sent me toilet paper, you’ve got to ask about it.

But that still doesn’t explain why you’ve now decided to redecorate my bathroom. You’ve got a rather…erm…interesting idea.

sloth

I’ve considered various themes for a bathroom. None of them included a Stripper Sloth Shower Curtain, but MAYBE THEY SHOULD. (Go ahead, click the link. You know you want one. Besides, it’s an affiliate link. Even if you don’t get the Stripper Sloth Shower Curtain, you’ll be helping keep quality content like this online.)

And what accessories does one need to complement a Stripper Sloth? I thought maybe the other customers that purchased this might have some ideas.

also bought

Well I don’t know about bathroom accessories, but if I drank a case of Surge, I’d be spending a lot of time contemplating my Stripper Sloth Shower curtain and being quite satisfied with my Cottonelle Clean Care Double Roll. And now the circle is complete.