CyberMonday Sale!

Oh right, I’m not selling anything here…

Um. Well this is awkward.

I’ve got it! All posts are half off! Free shipping if you act now.

No?

Dang.

This capitalism thing is hard. It’s like I need to provide something in exchange for money. Hmm.

Do you want me to tell you a story? Does it have to be true?

There was that time that a penguin stole my cousin’s Snickers while he was time traveling. He never did finish that story. Guess I’ll have to ask him about it last week. Penguins are notorious candy thieves, you know.

You didn’t? I bet you thought they just ate fish, didn’t you?

Generally speaking, you would be correct. There hasn’t been a lot of study into the reasons why, but their blood sugar levels tend to drop near temporal anomalies. It upsets some delicate balance or some such nonsense.

Just don’t give them this sort of candy.

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"candy"

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That can upset all sorts things and cause the penguins to start gallivanting off to parts unknown.

Personally, I refer to avoid the regions where penguins tend to gather. I’m not hearty enough for the cold, you see. But should you happen upon a gallivanting penguin, pack him carefully for the return voyage.

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Always pack your cat with plenty of padding

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Had to substitute a cat as I had no penguins handy. You have to work with what you’ve got.

Yes, there is a tip jar. There are also far more worthy causes than funding my occasional ramblings. Help Camp Fire Mama. She needs it more than I do.

Disclaimer: Jennifer seems to have acquired some sort of upper respiratory virus. This post brought to you by The Fever. The line for complaints has been quarantined for your protection. All employees must wash hands and all of that. 

First Ever Haiku Friday

Looking for content

A much neglected website

Stay tuned for something

For what exactly, I don’t know. Maybe you’ll just get random Haiku Fridays. I do have a collection of mostly terrible haikus (Spellcheck hates that. It’s making with the red squiggly.) written to entertain a former manager and mostly myself. Penelope Trunk says poetry will help your career. My sample set seems to disagree. What is the plural of haiku anyway? Apparently, it’s haiku and I was really wanting that question to be in haiku form.

Anyway, I make no promises. This free ice ice cream machine isn’t the current model, and I can’t afford the new one so we’re just going to have to deal with some quirks and glitches while I try and get this mess up and running again. Please pardon the mess.

Here have a bonus

You made it all the way through

A gold star for you

Missed Connections, A Tragic Short Story

It’s been a while so I figured I may as well drop a little content here. I posted it a few days ago on Facebook, but I think it deserves a place here because, well, it just does.

She put on her finest outfit. The one that always drew his attention. Patiently, she waited. Seeing him across the way, she began her dance.
He knew she would be there and dashed as fast as he could, throwing caution to the wind. Tonight would be the night. There she was, beautiful. He watched her move. He’d waited his whole life for this moment.
He was right there. Surely he could see her. Slowly, carefully she danced in his direction, but he came no closer.
He was ensnared. He tried to signal her but he was unable to approach. He’d been caught by something and couldn’t escape but he had to let her know how he felt. Desperately, he signaled while being wound ever more tightly.
Drawing closer, she began to realize something was terribly wrong. He was singing their song, but he’d stopped moving. She must have gotten to him. Hope dimmed and slowed.
He flashed his last as the femme fatale had her way with him.
Thus ends the front yard firefly romance foiled by an orb weaver.

 

Something You Should Know

If I choose to engage in a debate with you*, take it as a compliment. I have already decided that I respect you enough to honestly consider your point of view. Sure, I disagree and even believe you are wrong. But I do not believe you are an idiot. Misguided, maybe. Or maybe I am.

You see, although I believe I have taken the best possible stance based on what I know to be true and the experiences I have had, I am always willing to increase the dataset I am working with. Provide enough information and/or a perspective I hadn’t considered, and you might even change my mind. It’s happened before. Even if you don’t, you will increase my understanding of your point of view provided we can have an actual conversation coming from a place of mutual respect.

I do not engage idiots. I have, and it only ends in frustration. It often descends into name calling and adds nothing to the overall discourse. I have no desire to add to the animosity and division in the world. I want to come away from debates enlightened, not angry. I think we’ve all spent too much time getting angry at the image we hold of various people, and too often we forget that it’s a person behind the beliefs they may hold.

I believe you are better than that. I believe you are capable of considering my point of view as well. I may not change your mind, and that’s okay. We can still be friends even if we disagree.

*I bet you think this post is about you, don’t you? Don’t you? Naw, you’re not vain. It might be. You aren’t alone. Please tell me you’re singing now.

Frank?

Um???

Frank.

Well, I did buy that swimsuit. I guess I am now Frank. Frank is an extra large Chinese woman, FYI.

The Office Food Thief

(To the Tune of My Favorite Things)

Left-over pizza and take out Chinese Food,

Nevermind stealing a lunch is just plain rude.

All of the Styrofoam stacked in the fridge,

No one will notice if I have a smidge.

*chorus*

When the work’s hard.

I can’t manage.

When the boss is mad.

I simply remember the things in the fridge,

And then I don’t feel so bad.

*chorus*

Cream filled confections,

And crisp apple strudels.

Big plates of lasagna,

And meatballs with noodles.

All of these leftovers I can salvage.

This is what I find when I raid the fridge.

*chorus*

Homemade creations,

Hot pockets a-plenty.

There’s so much food here,

I never feel guilty.

I’m doing my part preventing spoilage,

Otherwise there would be stink in the fridge.

*chorus*

 

I can’t remember whether or not I had shared this previously, but it came up in conversation around the office. Enjoy!

Conversations Without Context

Me: *Digging through bag pulling out various items*

Friend: Was that a bottle of emergency tequila?

Me: *shrugging* Yeah

Friend: Why do have a bottle of emergency tequila?

Me: Because I dropped my emergency scotch in front of the elementary school.

Of course.

 

 

Oh the Silliness!

Honestly, I was just testing the video capture. I was playing around and didn’t expect it to be so funny. And yet…

Well, the silliness happened. Have I mentioned that I turn lots of things into improv musicals?