So, If You Eat Cookies, You Must Play More Golf?

I better eat fruit so I don’t have to chase that infernal ball around for 2 whole hours!

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Spending that much time on perfectly manicured grounds would be so tedious! Two hours! Ludicrous.We should definitely all pick the fruit so we have time for meaningful things like doing our taxes.

Golf. Pshaw.

Disclaimer: I don’t golf. I consider golf courses to be a waste of perfectly good rifle ranges.

Mutant Sweet Potato Soup

First, obtain a mutant sweet potato
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It should be larger than your sister’s head
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Be sure and take poorly lit photos and post them to Facebook where your family will inform you that it appears you just gave birth to the mutant tuber.

Slice some and throw it on the grill. Enjoy.

Shred some and add an egg to make some delicious hash-browns. Enjoy

Make clam chowder* using some mutant potato in place of the russet potato. Enjoy

Wonder what they hell you are going to do with the rest of the mutant potato in the kitchen.

Get lost on Pinterest.

Disregard every recipe you found there and just make it up as you go along. Or, you can attempt to recreate my concoction.

Ingredients:

2/3s of a mutant sweet potato dug out of the gardens of your competition. (You can probably substitute 5-7 regular sized store bought sweet potatoes.)

1lb Pork Chorizo from the hippy grocery store

1/2 a yellow onion

Whatever garlic is sitting on top of the microwave (8ish cloves?)

A couple of slices of ginger root

The last of the jalapenos from the garden

1 cup milk

Salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Dice the onion and brown with the chorizo. Say chorizo a dozen or more times.

While that is browning, cut the mutant sweet potato into cubes. Notice how it looks an awful lot like cheese. Saute with chorizo and onions once the onions are clear.

saute Stir it around enough to coat the potatoes with the juices and lightly toast the cubes. Dice the ginger and stir that in.

Dump into crock-pot. Along with the leftover shredded potatoes from the other night.

Remember you have garlic. Peel it and whack each clove with the side of your kitchen knife (Santoku works great). Saute it in the grease from the chorizo n’ stuff until it is mushy. Throw it into the crock-pot.

Wash but do not slice the jalapenos from the garden because tomorrow’s dinner guest doesn’t like spicy food. Throw them into the crock-pot.

Pour in a cup of milk and a couple of cups of water and cook on low heat overnight.

Turn temp up in the morning and stir every time you walk through the kitchen.

simmer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Salt, pepper, etc to taste and serve

bowl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This soup comes out quite savory and really more like a chili (but most certainly not chili). Honestly, while it was cooking you would have sworn there were tomatoes stewing. You could easily spice it up if desired. It’s tasty, simple, and decidedly orange. This recipe is certified Jennifer Injury Free as well.

*Evyl’s culinary adventure. You’ll have to pester him for the recipe. It’s totally worth it. He’s the real chef in the house. I just make a mess of his kitchen.

Only Martha Stewart Could Make Food Look This Awful

She claims this is French onion soup

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Did it just come out of the microwave? I think you left it in too long.

And this? Is that soap?

soap

 

Now I get it. She ate this. ‘French onion soup’ is apparently the euphemism for what happened to her toilet afterwards.

 

And then we have the four sorbets of the apocalypse

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Crush them before they hatch!

To all you chefs that get the ‘honor’ of cooking for Martha Stewart, please, for the love of food, take her camera phone away.

(found via @shitfoodblogger who was found via the incomparable Mr. Lady who should be writing lots more.)

Lost In Translation

I reuse the Chinese take out containers. I mean why not? It’s like the bonus that comes with your food. It’s the boring grown-up version of the toy you could have once you finished your Happy Meal. Why else would they be dishwasher safe?

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Except, I think ‘Microwave Safe’ means something different in China.

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Or maybe that was just for the lid. So I checked.

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Huh, I had no idea that ‘Microwave Safe’ was Chinese for ‘burn down the break room.’ Learn something new everyday.

When you see flames, you know your lunch is ready! Never mind the smoke and coughing co-workers. Nothing like the smell of burning plastic to whet your appetite. To the internet and beyond!

Oh those crazy Chinese with their lead laced children’s toys and toxic fume emitting to go boxes.

Guacamole Bacon Deviled Eggs

Devilishly good. Salty, smoky deliciousness.

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Sorry for the crappy cell phone pic. We were late for our party already

 

 

Make some crispy (this is important) bacon, set aside.

Make guacamole. This is easier with 2 people because one of you can make guacamole while the other deals with eggs. Use your favorite guacamole recipe. We only had 8 eggs in the fridge so it only took 2 avocados.

Boil eggs. Want to make them perfect and not sulfurous? Take the eggs that have been in the fridge for a week, submerge them by 2 inches in your pan. Bring the uncovered pan to a boil for about a minute. Cover the pan and kill the fire. Let them sit just like that for 16 minutes. Then take the pan and all over to the sink and add cold tap water. Then pour it out. Do it again and again until the eggs are cool. They should peel beautifully and the yolks should be flaky and yellow with no hint of green.

Take those yolks and mash them in with your guacamole. It should make the green brighter. Reserving a strip of bacon or two for garnish (and snacking), crumble the bacon into the mixture and mix well. Scoop into eggs. Each egg should get a fairly generous amount of bacon guacamole stuffing. Break up remaining bacon into bigger pieces to garnish each egg.

Serve. Be cautioned to get your hands out of the way quickly. You did reserve a sample for yourself, right?

Common Ground In The Chili Wars

Finally, chili fans of the world can finally unite against a common enemy! At long last the question of beans or no beans can be put aside for all can agree that this is an abomination to all things chili.

Yes, friends.  Chili flavor Ramen is a thing that actually exists. And it is an unholy combination of taste and texture that not even the little packet of crushed red pepper from last week’s pizza can correct.

I know, red pepper dude.  I am perplexed too.

This is the type of fusion food that must never occur.

You have been warned.  Do not try this at home.  Or while toiling away at your desk. Unless you live in a dorm and use plastic crates for all your furniture needs, this should not be considered a viable meal option.

I spent my 30 cents so you don’t have to. For the love of culinary decency, spread the word.

 

It’s A Zoo In My Freezer!

As I’ve mentioned before, there are 2 squirrels in my freezer. They are accompanied by the standard beef, pork, and chicken and also some squid. Until last night, there was a lovely piece of speed goat (prong horn) generously provided by a new friend. Yes, give me game meat, we become friends.  It’s that easy, folks.

So that’s all well and good, but it really not a meal yet.  Sure, I could just pull it out of the freezer and start gnawing on it, but really there are better ways to enjoy it.  Personally, I am pretty fond of having an adult beverage while EvylRobot mans the grill, but not everyone is so lucky as to have a creative cook that will both pour the beverage and prepare the meal.

Last night, for instance, EvylRobot and TeenBot browsed the freezer and pantry (ok, so it’s a box on the kitchen floor right now).  They eyed the pronghorn back-strap and the pre-measured, vacuum-sealed packages of forbidden black rice and hatched a plan.  (Buy the big bag of rice, measure it out, vacuum-seal bags, throw in box on the floor.  I call it unstructured prepping.) By the time they were done, they served up pronghorn medallions on a bed of black rice.  Sorry, no pictures.  Too busy eating.

This weekend is youth deer gun season so hopefully TeenBot will bring home some venison for culinary adventures.  Might have to hit up a specialty food store for inspiration and supplies.  If successful, this will be the first game he has taken, a milestone his mother has not yet reached.  Wish him luck!

We’ve taken on this task of getting closer to our food as a family.  Not only has it changed our perspective on where food really comes from and what goes into it, but it has allowed us new ways to bond and grow as a family.  It’s pretty amazing what you can learn about each other as you sit silently in a blind. Besides, how many moms get to gross out their teenage sons while skinning a squirrel in the kitchen? We’ve had laughter and learning and just time together away from the usual distractions of modern life.  (Although, we do still have the internet in the woods.  We aren’t completely barbaric.) And that next biology lesson is right there in the freezer!

This post is brought to you by FoodSpring. All thoughts and opinions belong to the author.

 

Although I Didn’t Get To Go This Year

I did get to sit across the table from none other than LawDog himself and watch the twinkle in his eye as he regaled us with stories from the convention. Clearly, we missed a fantastic time.  Next year, Houston better watch out!

Apparently, I need to step up the manicure game.

Pic taken by Bonnie. Alas, I was not present for this one

It is always lovely to see my dear friends, no matter how briefly. An opportunity to hug a giant cop and then break bread with beloved members of my tribe* is a fantastic reason to cut out of the office early.

Hopefully MattG and Phlegmmy enjoy the peach trees we sent home with them half as much as the NRA schwag.

*My chosen family