— Jennifer Hast (@InJennifersHead) August 29, 2014
Here’s the rest of that conversation
Can I call you Al? I mean, we’ve been through so much these nearly 36 years now. I mean, I’ve shared all 35 of my birthdays with you. I think I should be able to skip the formalities at this point. Besides, you’ve been recording for my entire life. You aren’t Weird, you are just the Al I’ve always known and loved.
And then you did this:
So maybe it IS just a coincidence that you went and threw a birthday party for my favorite pony. Have you seen my socks?
And then you did this
Really, Al? You had to call me out like that? Oh don’t think I didn’t notice. Kim Kardasian’s birthday is two days prior to yours and mine. That’s a completely different zodiac sign.
No, you aren’t Weird to me. Not anymore. Now you’re Passive Aggressive Al.
Your “lame” fan,
PS. I still bought your album (Congrats on being #1)
PPS. You could totally make it up to me. My darling husband has some ideas to get our readers involved.
Oh the things that make me laugh before coffee. This was going through my head when I got up this morning and so I dropped it over at Tam’s place.
And then I thought to myself, “Hey Self! You’ve got a blog that’s kinda needing material. Ctrl-C; Ctrl-V that randomness posthaste!”
When you’re thirsty, feeling dry,
When the main’s been cut upstream, You won’t have to cry.
I’m a side by side. Oh! Enough for a bathtub.
When tap just won’t turn on.
Like a fridge full of bottled water
When the plumbing’s down
Like a fridge full of bottled water
When the plumbing’s down
(I should apologize to Simon and maybe even Garfunkel, but I’m blaming my brother. He wants me to sing the real version for his wedding. Hopefully this won’t pop out.)
And so I did. You’re welcome.
So, whatever happened to that “permanent record” the teachers always threatened to put things in? Does the NSA have that now? Just curious. I never did get my hand buzzer back that Mrs. Randolph confiscated in the 3rd grade. Is it in there?
So when you apply a spam filter, it filters out the spam, but when you use a water or air filter, it filters everything EXCEPT water or air. And don’t even get me started on coffee filters…
When someone who is generally competent tells you, “I’ll get this put in today,” you generally assume that they put it in that day. And you know what happens when you assume.
Cat hugging was successful. No bleeding or anything.
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And a bit of a whine* that I’m not in Indy this weekend
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Psst-It’s more fun if you sing along.
I know. I’ve been neglecting you. Sorry! I need minions. Minions with 10-keys and mad Excel skills. And still more minions to care for those minions because I’m lousy at minion care which might be the reason I don’t have them. Maybe I once had minions but I let them starve. Or I drowned them in the tub because I forgot to turn off the water. Or maybe they are still lost because they are following the directions I gave the operator at Minions R Us. I didn’t get a tracking number.
We had our office health screening this morning. Yep, I’m healthy, but they say I’m eating too much animal fat. Psshaw, I say. My TC/HDL ratio is 2.2 and my BMI is optimal.
Anyway, this brings us to lunch time. I head on over to the break area to warm up my noodles and the new guy is sitting at the table. I should mention that the new guy’s last job was as a machine gunner in the US Marines. We’ll call him Lorenzo because, well, that’s his name.
Me: Hey Lorenzo, how’s it going?
Lorenzo: Still hanging in there. Finger’s still kind of sore from earlier.
Me: Ah but you’re going to make it, right?
L: Oh yeah. I like to think I’m pretty tough
Me: *laughing* Well they always tell me I’m eating too much bacon
L: Of course, because bacon.
Me: I know! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love vegetarians. Almost everything I eat is a vegetarian.
L: You know, you’ve got a point there. Hadn’t thought about that.
Me: Except for the Ramen. I don’t think there’s anyplace you can hunt the wild and majestic Ramen
Oh orange! I would write an ode in your honor were you not so aloof in alliteration, cruel in computation, vexed by verse.
You are the abusive lover always promising that you’ve changed. “It’ll be different this time, baby!” Your succulent sweetness disguising your lies.
But alas, our love was ill-fated from the start. I should have known that you’d never truly reform in spite of so many years of peace.
Some part of me will always love you, but I can’t let you hurt me anymore. The temptations of your flesh may be great, but I must be strong.
Farewell fine fruit!
-Yes, I took a bite of an orange yesterday. I know better. If only I’d been programmed with an allergy to lima beans instead. One. Stupid. Bite. It seems the absence of orange in my life has only served to increase the sensitivity. Oh well. At least I’m not allergic to bacon.