Break Room Conversations

We had our office health screening this morning. Yep, I’m healthy, but they say I’m eating too much animal fat. Psshaw, I say. My TC/HDL ratio is 2.2 and my BMI is optimal.

Anyway, this brings us to lunch time. I head on over to the break area to warm up my noodles and the new guy is sitting at the table. I should mention that the new guy’s last job was as a machine gunner in the US Marines. We’ll call him Lorenzo because, well, that’s his name.

Me: Hey Lorenzo, how’s it going?

Lorenzo: Still hanging in there. Finger’s still kind of sore from earlier.

Me: Ah but you’re going to make it, right?

L: Oh yeah. I like to think I’m pretty tough

Me: *laughing* Well they always tell me I’m eating too much bacon

L: Of course, because bacon.

Me: I know! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love vegetarians. Almost everything I eat is a vegetarian.

L: You know, you’ve got a point there. Hadn’t thought about that.

Me: Except for the Ramen. I don’t think there’s anyplace you can hunt the wild and majestic Ramen

L: *snort*

Nothing Really Rhymes with Orange

Oh orange! I would write an ode in your honor were you not so aloof in alliteration, cruel in computation, vexed by verse.

You are the abusive lover always promising that you’ve changed. “It’ll be different this time, baby!” Your succulent sweetness disguising your lies.

But alas, our love was ill-fated from the start. I should have known that you’d never truly reform in spite of so many years of peace.

Some part of me will always love you, but I can’t let you hurt me anymore. The temptations of your flesh may be great, but I must be strong.

Farewell fine fruit!

-Yes, I took a bite of an orange yesterday. I know better. If only I’d been programmed with an allergy to lima beans instead. One. Stupid. Bite. It seems the absence of orange in my life has only served to increase the sensitivity. Oh well. At least I’m not allergic to bacon.

So, If You Eat Cookies, You Must Play More Golf?

I better eat fruit so I don’t have to chase that infernal ball around for 2 whole hours!

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Spending that much time on perfectly manicured grounds would be so tedious! Two hours! Ludicrous.We should definitely all pick the fruit so we have time for meaningful things like doing our taxes.

Golf. Pshaw.

Disclaimer: I don’t golf. I consider golf courses to be a waste of perfectly good rifle ranges.

The Pen Is Mighty

So I got one of those messages from Amazon wondering if I might be interested in some of their wares based on previous searches. I’m sure you get them too.

Never before have they presented me with such a sound investment opportunity. I could save $12,000! Just think what you could do with that kind of savings.

And what is this magical thing that could enrich my life so wonderfully? Well I’m glad you asked.fountain pen

That’s right. It’s an Omas Limited Edition Phoenix Plated Fountain Pen With Diamonds. You can take advantage of this fantastic opportunity as well by clicking on that link which just happens to be my affiliate link (which you are always welcome to use for all your shopping needs*). It’s like getting the 5th one for free!

No longer shall we toil with the pen we stole from the bank! For this, my friends, is the pen of the gods! But I must caution you. You should fill this fine instrument of writing with the blood of a recently slain dragon, ordinary ink would not do it justice and anger the gods of penmanship and prose. You can also substitute the blood of your enemies, but only if it is still warm.

One can’t help but wonder about the glorious stories that could be told. What weight those documents will bear. To look upon a margin doodle would cause grown men to weep. It’s magnificence cannot be overstated.

*Thank you to those of you that do just that. You are awesome. Especially you, person with the new microwave by Panasonic and all you voracious readers of text both digital and analog.

Abandoned Mac and Cheese

There’s a half eaten cup of macaroni and cheese sitting, abandoned, on the counter in the break room. Can’t help but wonder why.

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Did they get called away on an emergency?

Maybe they were beamed out?

Rapture?

Suddenly stricken with explosive diarrhea?

Sucked into a time vortex? Maybe the mac and cheese IS a time vortex.

I suppose we shall never know the story of the abandoned mac and cheese. Cold and alone on the countertop. Its cheesiness never to be enjoyed.

A tragedy for the ages.

On Shaky Ground

Literally.

For us, they’ve been kind of novel, although if a truck actually does hit the front of the house in the wee hours, I’m not going to be prepared. That’s exactly what it sounded like just before my alarm went off this morning. I’ll have to straighten all the pictures and make sure my horses haven’t stepped off the china cabinet. (I have some of these on top of the china cabinet. Paden City is named after an ancestor of mine.)

The tornadoes around here are far more destructive. You could say I prefer my house shaken, not stirred*.

*Come on, you thought I wasn’t going to work that in. This post exists so I could drop that line.