CyberMonday Sale!

Oh right, I’m not selling anything here…

Um. Well this is awkward.

I’ve got it! All posts are half off! Free shipping if you act now.

No?

Dang.

This capitalism thing is hard. It’s like I need to provide something in exchange for money. Hmm.

Do you want me to tell you a story? Does it have to be true?

There was that time that a penguin stole my cousin’s Snickers while he was time traveling. He never did finish that story. Guess I’ll have to ask him about it last week. Penguins are notorious candy thieves, you know.

You didn’t? I bet you thought they just ate fish, didn’t you?

Generally speaking, you would be correct. There hasn’t been a lot of study into the reasons why, but their blood sugar levels tend to drop near temporal anomalies. It upsets some delicate balance or some such nonsense.

Just don’t give them this sort of candy.

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"candy"

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That can upset all sorts things and cause the penguins to start gallivanting off to parts unknown.

Personally, I refer to avoid the regions where penguins tend to gather. I’m not hearty enough for the cold, you see. But should you happen upon a gallivanting penguin, pack him carefully for the return voyage.

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Always pack your cat with plenty of padding

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Had to substitute a cat as I had no penguins handy. You have to work with what you’ve got.

Yes, there is a tip jar. There are also far more worthy causes than funding my occasional ramblings. Help Camp Fire Mama. She needs it more than I do.

Disclaimer: Jennifer seems to have acquired some sort of upper respiratory virus. This post brought to you by The Fever. The line for complaints has been quarantined for your protection. All employees must wash hands and all of that. 

Since We’re All Talking Lyrical Revisions

I thought I’d take the opportunity to break out an oldie from back in 2010. Reposted in full. It’s my content, I can do what I want ūüėČ

So a few of the gun bloggers decided to re-write some holiday classics. And I decided to sing them.

Oh yes I did. Remember, I’m a professional.

First up, Tam and Bobbi’s re-write of The Christmas Song

Michael joined me for Rudolph the Tasty Reindeer. Mostly my re-write with some GBC help.

And finally, Jay’s 12 Days of Gunnie Christmas.

Yep, I skipped day 6 altogether and then totally flubbed 12. 3rd take. Sorry, I wasn’t doing it again. That one is freaking long!

Hmm, I’ve got better recording equipment now. Maybe I should revisit these.

Go visit Squeaky for The Fun Show song. You know what it takes to be a well-trained vocalist? A lot of work, dedication, and madness. Probably an extra helping or two of madness. How many of you had teachers reach out and press on your diaphragm? Or hand you a chalk board to carry around to communicate because they’ve put you on a week of vocal rest (no talking at all)? And don’t even get me started on vocal drills and warm-ups*.

Yeah, I know exactly how hard Squeaky worked to be the vocalist she is, and she did this as a gift for a friend. To have someone rip off her labor of love is unforgivable. And not only hers, but Tam’s words and Ambulance Driver’s work. Not that I’ve ever sent any traffic to the site which will not be named, but I ask that you spread the word and starve them of attention.

And don’t forget, Dan Zimmerman. Intellectual Property Thief. Dead Hooker Magazine.

*Just try saying “One black bug bled black bug blood; the other black bug bled blue,” repeatedly. Get faster each time. One of my voice teachers had me sing it.

Conversations Without Context

Me: *Digging through bag pulling out various items*

Friend: Was that a bottle of emergency tequila?

Me: *shrugging* Yeah

Friend: Why do have a bottle of emergency tequila?

Me: Because I dropped my emergency scotch in front of the elementary school.

Of course.

 

 

Chick-fil-A Tried to Kill Me

This has gone too far. The swan song of the hate chicken has finally hit a sour note.

How dare you attempt to poison me! And with a silent migraine, no less. We’ve gotten along just fine for all this time, but I go to one Pride Blockparty. Coincidence? I think not.

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The nerve. The blatant bigotry of completely ignoring my unique food allergy that I failed to inform you about! Putting delicious mandarin oranges in the fruit cup! Monstrous.

I am THE VICTIM here! Nevermind that you clearly display the presence of those diabolical spheres of swelling and misery in your menu photo. #citrusprivilege

I didn’t even eat them. I stabbed them with my fork and put them aside. But it was already too late. You didn’t even warn me that stabbing oranges may spread their¬†juices indiscriminately¬†across the strawberries and blueberries. Typical. So patriarchy. Did the melons consent to¬†being sprayed with those fluids?¬†Please.

Someone fund my pain and suffering!! I will not be satisfied until I have my own clothing line and reality show!

Yes, I’m kidding. I know I’m allergic. I know they put oranges in the fruit cup. I should have been smart enough to realize that removing the offending wedges by stabbing them with my fork was maybe not the brightest idea. Or just had the waffle fries.

Oh the Silliness!

Honestly, I was just testing the video capture. I was playing around and didn’t expect it to be so funny. And yet…

Well, the silliness happened. Have I mentioned that I turn lots of things into improv musicals?

 

I Became Briefly Invisible Today

I think 2015 will be the year where I develop my super-powers. Obviously, I must have them. All the ass-kicking super-hero women in the TV shows wear heels, I took a defensive shotgun class in 3-inch heels. Ergo, I must be a latent super-hero.

Logic!

And today, I was briefly invisible. You see, in the office, we’ve got those fancy toilets with the sensor that can see you while you’re sitting there and then flushes the toilet when it can’t see you anymore.

It flushed today. While I was still sitting there. Logically, I must have become invisible. See, hypothesis + evidence = science!

A Video Christmas Card

So we got together with some of our gamer friends and did a thing. You should watch. It’s silly.

The young man singing ‘2 Mashing Parents’? That’s TeenBot. And I’m sure you recognize the Evyl Robot and your high-voiced host.

Enjoy! And have a Merry Christmas. Yes, this is what I got you this year. No, you can’t take it back.