Well, I did buy that swimsuit. I guess I am now Frank. Frank is an extra large Chinese woman, FYI.
Me: *Digging through bag pulling out various items*
Friend: Was that a bottle of emergency tequila?
Me: *shrugging* Yeah
Friend: Why do have a bottle of emergency tequila?
Me: Because I dropped my emergency scotch in front of the elementary school.
This has gone too far. The swan song of the hate chicken has finally hit a sour note.
How dare you attempt to poison me! And with a silent migraine, no less. We’ve gotten along just fine for all this time, but I go to one Pride Blockparty. Coincidence? I think not.
The nerve. The blatant bigotry of completely ignoring my unique food allergy that I failed to inform you about! Putting delicious mandarin oranges in the fruit cup! Monstrous.
I am THE VICTIM here! Nevermind that you clearly display the presence of those diabolical spheres of swelling and misery in your menu photo. #citrusprivilege
I didn’t even eat them. I stabbed them with my fork and put them aside. But it was already too late. You didn’t even warn me that stabbing oranges may spread their juices indiscriminately across the strawberries and blueberries. Typical. So patriarchy. Did the melons consent to being sprayed with those fluids? Please.
Someone fund my pain and suffering!! I will not be satisfied until I have my own clothing line and reality show!
Yes, I’m kidding. I know I’m allergic. I know they put oranges in the fruit cup. I should have been smart enough to realize that removing the offending wedges by stabbing them with my fork was maybe not the brightest idea. Or just had the waffle fries.
Honestly, I was just testing the video capture. I was playing around and didn’t expect it to be so funny. And yet…
Well, the silliness happened. Have I mentioned that I turn lots of things into improv musicals?
I think 2015 will be the year where I develop my super-powers. Obviously, I must have them. All the ass-kicking super-hero women in the TV shows wear heels, I took a defensive shotgun class in 3-inch heels. Ergo, I must be a latent super-hero.
And today, I was briefly invisible. You see, in the office, we’ve got those fancy toilets with the sensor that can see you while you’re sitting there and then flushes the toilet when it can’t see you anymore.
It flushed today. While I was still sitting there. Logically, I must have become invisible. See, hypothesis + evidence = science!
So we got together with some of our gamer friends and did a thing. You should watch. It’s silly.
The young man singing ‘2 Mashing Parents’? That’s TeenBot. And I’m sure you recognize the Evyl Robot and your high-voiced host.
Enjoy! And have a Merry Christmas. Yes, this is what I got you this year. No, you can’t take it back.
First, you asked if my toilet paper met my expectations.
Just how exactly am I supposed to answer that? Why yes, Amazon, now my bottom is delightfully poo free. Thanks for asking.
Or maybe something like. I knew from the moment I opened the box that my days of drip drying were over.
I subscribe to this paper. Never missed an issue. Really, I just get it for the articles.
Oh well. I suppose since you sent me toilet paper, you’ve got to ask about it.
But that still doesn’t explain why you’ve now decided to redecorate my bathroom. You’ve got a rather…erm…interesting idea.
I’ve considered various themes for a bathroom. None of them included a Stripper Sloth Shower Curtain, but MAYBE THEY SHOULD. (Go ahead, click the link. You know you want one. Besides, it’s an affiliate link. Even if you don’t get the Stripper Sloth Shower Curtain, you’ll be helping keep quality content like this online.)
And what accessories does one need to complement a Stripper Sloth? I thought maybe the other customers that purchased this might have some ideas.
Well I don’t know about bathroom accessories, but if I drank a case of Surge, I’d be spending a lot of time contemplating my Stripper Sloth Shower curtain and being quite satisfied with my Cottonelle Clean Care Double Roll. And now the circle is complete.
Here we go, barrelling straight into the holidays. The more restrained among you still have a bowl of Halloween candy that you’ve been surreptitiously snacking out of. Some of you have already eaten it, while still others have squirreled it away from insatiable teenagers that weren’t even here that night so it’s not like they suspect there’s candy in Mom and Dad’s room…
Not that your humble host would ever do such a thing. With the Snickers. And the Kit Kat…
But that’s all beside the point. We’re here to talk about the holiday weight gain, and I’m here to tell you with careful planning and discipline, you’ll be able to satisfy all your holiday cravings with a simple method which I will detail below.
I’ll get to that, but first let’s talk about the pie, and the potatoes, the stuffing, and the gravy. Oh the gravy! If they are doing it right, that gravy comes from all the drippings from the turkey. That’s right, the fat. And then they are going to add milk or cream. More delicious fat!
You think you’re playing it safe when you head for the “salads” and veggie trays? Think again. Those veggie trays are centered around a vat of ranch dressing. And the “salad”? This is not a salad, but you may find it displayed as one.
What if I told you that with the information I’m going to give you below the break, you could indulge in the snicker salad AND all of the miraculous cookies that appear in the your break room? You want to build a six-inch cone of whipped cream on top of that pumpkin pie, and I know you do, go for it. That specialty strawberry cream that you asked someone to make special for you. You won’t even have to take it home before you eat it straight out of the pie tin and still be amazed at the number on the scale.
All of this and more is offered to you completely free of charge. Just click below the break to subscribe to my completely fraudulent and non-existent newsletter. Just $9.99 a month. Read to the end for an exclusive discount!