I Just Can’t Deal With This Right Now

Photo courtesy T Michael Hast

Aww, cupcake. I’m so sorry.

Here, let me pat you on the head and guide you to a safe space while the adults just fucking deal.

Look. I get it. Real life is hard. There’s, like, bills and responsibility and alarm clocks and evaluations. It’s, like, seriously style and cramping, ya’ know? You really put your heart and soul into that expletive filled rant against capitalism and someone just stole your freaking intellectual property and shared without even so much as a link back. That sucks! No one will ever know that you wrote that!

How will anyone ever know that you are the super special snowflake that really participated? I know, I know. You just can’t even.

Well then maybe you should odd.

Someone hurt you right in the feels? Take a moment. Breathe in. Let the hurt flow through you. Can you show me on the doll where it tingles now?

Listen. Really, listen. I don’t care how much melanin content you’ve got, who or what you want to consensually rub your gooey parts against, or how you’d like to identify yourself. Are you useful? Can you make me a sandwich? Mow my lawn? File my taxes? Massage my feet while painting my toenails? Entertain me?




Then why for any deity’s sake should I give a flying flip about your well being? Because you feel discriminated against? Show me.

Let’s play.

I’m a woman of color* in flyover country. I’ve never been able to pass**. I’m a survivor of many things I never deserved, but the sun just keeps rising so I better keep on.

The world has crapped on me and my own over and over and yet, we persevere. You, my dear snowflake, really can too. Yes, you too can own a tiny house in the suburbs with innumerable plumbing problems and mice so your children can go to the right schools and you’ve got the bragging rights of living in the right suburb.

I digress. This is you and your micro-aggressions.

Breathe in. Feel it fully from your forehead all the way down to very tips of your toes.


You. Think of you.

Meditate on you.


So you’re a socialist? That’s awesome. What, exactly, are you contributing to society? From each according to his ability, yes? So, what are your abilities? What are you throwing into the pot for redistribution?

Oh! You have a bowl.


There’s kind of a lot of people showing up with bowls. I might have some pepper. It might be in spray form.

Someone maybe ought to wash all these bowls people keep bringing. No?

I’d direct you to the ball pit, but you have to sign a waiver. We had to let some un-vaccinated children play there so there might be a touch of polio.

You don’t want to hear me, do you? In fact, you’ve probably stormed away with your spittle rage to your keyboards and are furiously telling reddit what a terrible human being I am. Post a link while you’re at it, ‘k!

I am! I am the awful human being that thinks maybe, just maybe, you should be capable of contributing to what ever perfect society you believe you deserve a place within. It’s true. If you are useless, I believe society should shun you. Kick your worthless butt out. You. Should. Starve.

Does that hurt? Do you need a minute? A blanket?

Who am I kidding? You’ve left. You’re already telling me that I’m terrible in my comments. I like you. You’re going to tell your friends. They’re going to get mad too and visit. They will probably comment. You know what? Happy clicks and angry clicks are totally equal for ad revenue. Do that. I’m a damn evil capitalist. Angry is usually a lot more delicious, profitable clicks. Please, be mad. I like lobster.

Oh right! You can’t deal with this right now.

Hang on. I’m going to have to move some crap out of the designated safe space. The entire house is a deplorable mess, but that should definitely take priority.

Here you go, sweetie. Some gentle head pats. Maybe even a Popsicle.

Right now happens right now. Yep, that sucks the big one sometimes. Sometimes, your car decides that your gas pedal doesn’t really exist while you’re doing 75 MPH down the turnpike. Totally okay. You drive stick. Shove that bad boy in neutral, turn the car off and back on(rebooting the computer), and throw it back into gear at speed without impeding traffic. This is now. It’s a lot. It’s seriously, no doubt, scary. I’ve done it. You can too.

Forget the safe space. Own the scary space. Conquer and overcome.

*I really hate that term.

**Almost as much as I hate that one. In the second grade, I had to explain to my teacher that Filipino is not, in fact, a Native American tribe, but thank you for the paper work that could get me on the rolls.

How’s The View From That High Horse?

Because I think you’re missing the details. While you throw accusations of insensitivity at me you’re stomping on sacred ground.

And don’t you dare try to offer me your comfort and sympathy now. You don’t deserve the warm and fuzzy feelings of that. Yes, I dared to state that pets aren’t the same as children. That was so very harsh of me. Do you need a safe space?

That’s cute. You’re going to lecture me on how hard Mother’s Day is for some people. Did it ever occur to you that I may be one of those people? Oh that’s right, you can’t see past your sanctimony. You can trot right on out on that high horse of yours.

Complicated. Yeah. I’m supposed to play your silly games and pretend that your love for your dog is equal to my grief for the child I lost before they ever took a breath. On Mother’s Day, I might add.

I hear you, just scroll past and ignore it if it bothers you that much. I see how well that worked out for you. No, you decided I must need to be informed and educated and put in my place. Here’s your freaking medal.

As if I could compare stroking my cat’s fur as he breathed his last to my friend that held her child’s hand as she lost her battle to cancer. That would monstrous. I’d be a terrible human being for even hinting at such.

Right. I’m insensitive. I’m a horrible person.

Why don’t you go ahead and explain how insensitive I am to the 85-year-old woman I held as she made the heart-wrenching decision to turn off her daughter’s life support? Indeed, she took great solace in caring for the cats her daughter left behind, but she’d trade them all for another moment with her daughter.

Go on. I’ll wait.

Emerson, the cat, came into our lives during a period of intense turmoil, and he was and still is a source of tremendous comfort. I needed to nurture something. I needed the unconditional love in return and he gave it and then some. He continues to do so today. He has been there for more of my ugly sobbing than I care to get into. It would be doing him an injustice to treat him as a replacement for a child. He’s no surrogate. He’s far more sensitive than you, actually.

Some day, far sooner than I’ll be ready, he’ll be gone. It’s my job and responsibility to make sure that process goes as peacefully and painlessly as possible. I will weep. The grief will be intense and include more of those ugly sobs.

Trust me, I get it that our pets can bring great comfort and solace in the face of pain and difficulty. That relationship is wonderful, special, and not the same as parenthood. Funny how no one seems to have noticed that I didn’t even say it was less. I only said it was different.

Am I a good person? Well my dog thinks so, anyway. My real friends do to. Me? Well, I try to be. Really, I think that’s all any of us can do.

Lord Help Me, I’m Weighing in on #Gamergate

Well hello there first time visitor that wandered over because I dared reference a controversial hashtag! Welcome to my little corner of the internet. Please, stay a while. Peruse my archives. Get informed. Check out LabRat’s and Popehat’s posts on the subject. Or, you know, skip straight to the comment section and tell me how I’m wrong, dox me (heh*) since I’m a girl and a gamer with an opinion, or write me off as a “Social Justice Warrior**”. It’s really up to you.

Seriously, why is this still a thing? Yes, there is a real and needed conversation that needs to happen about ethics in game journalism. Hell, all journalism. Hanging this around a non-controversy about a positive review that never happened of a boring game that no one wants to play because the developer’s jilted ex wrote a screed about said game developer whoring herself out for a review that never happened is not exactly the place to start. While some well-meaning people are trying to have a rational conversation, this particular hashtag has brought out a subset of bonafide misogynists the likes of which have been quite rightly run out of the rest of polite society.

Don’t like Anita Sarkeesian? Great, me neither. I think the vast majority of what comes out of her pie hole is whiny tripe, and most of the time she should be laughed off the stage. Which would be the rational response. Threatening her? Publishing her home address? Yeah, not cool. Seriously, we’re dealing with the kind of people that think a reasonable response to a woman complaining about sexism in gaming is to design a video game where the player gets to punch a woman in the face. Classy. You know what would have been a completely reasonable response to her asking for money to make feminist videos? Not give her any money. I sure as heck didn’t. Other people did. That’s how the free market works. No one is forcing you to support her.

Observant readers will have caught that I only said most of what comes out of her pie hole is whiny tripe. That’s because some of what she says is true. There is sexism in the gaming industry. But honestly, we’ve come a long way since Atari had a game about raping Native American women and Nintendo created a strong female character only to have her flaunt her pixelated body around in a bikini as a reward for finishing the game.

Also, Gamergate itself has shown the world that women are unjustly targeted, bullied, and harassed in gaming. Fine, so I’ll agree that Anita Sarkeesian intentionally stirs up the masses with her diatribes. And yes, I believe she has fabricated some of the threats she claims. But Felicia Day? She wrote one post (which has apparently been taken down) lamenting the ugliness surrounding the Gamergate controversy and was doxxed herself.

You know what, I like some of the tropes in gaming. I like the idea of teaching our sons that if they learn of a damsel in distress that they should battle demons to save her. I also want to show our daughters that there is no shame in being rescued. At the same time, I want our daughters to know that they are allowed to kick some bad guy(or girl) ass and save themselves too. Also, I like strong women portrayed as sexy. I don’t want to feel like I have to make a choice between being strong and capable or sexy and feminine.

Gaming is not being invaded by women. We’ve been here all along. Must I show you my Atari 2600? How about my Magic deck? Oh right, just tits. The perpetually offended social justice warriors will continue to be perpetually offended. It’s what they do. What aren’t going to be able to do is drive young white men out of gaming. Game developers will continue to make games that sell, and young white men are a good chunk of the market share. For everything wrong that Anita Sarkeesian says, she’s right that women are a good chunk as well, and we’d like to be marketed to. Really, people are mad that there are women saying, “Hey! I have money here that I’d like to throw at you if you’d just not kick so much sand in my face.”

Is it really too much to ask for women to be treated like people? Why that such an offensive to request to a subset of the gaming community is beyond my comprehension. What’s even more baffling is seeing otherwise mature, rational people defending the behavior of that subset. Or at the very least, affiliating themselves with them.

I point out: even 4chan has banned gamergate discussions. Why? Because those threads have extensive doxxing and coordinated harassment planning in them. Which is one of those few things 4chan doesn’t permit. When fucking 4chan has disavowed you because of your shitty tactics, it’s time to re-evaluate your life choices and choice of allies in particular. –LabRat

It’s time to disavow gamergate. Give the hashtag over to the trolls and let it collapse in on itself. If we need to talk about the issues it has brought to light, fine. But really, I just want to go shoot zombies in the face.

*I’m not skeered of you.

**Does that come with armor and a big sword? Bet it shows lots of skin. Chainmaille bikinis are so 1998.

Combating Evil One Hashtag at a Time

…with signs? on Twitter? For the love of…

Just go read Larry’s post.





Oh! You came back. I can’t really add anything here, but that’s never stopped me from trying before.

Seriously folks? Signs and hashtags and selfies? Really? I’m sure those big bad kidnappers that had no problem abducting innocent girls with the plan to sell them are kicking themselves now. I mean, their evilness is totally trending. They’re never going to bring up their Klout score now. #unfriend #unfollow #uncool

I bet they are totes going to give those girls back now. And they’re going to film it so it goes viral on YouTube. #winning

Dance Monkey makes pouty face, changes world. #filmat11 #firstworldsolutions

Because that’s exactly how brutal warlords do things. They make sure they are in consensus with popular opinion and act accordingly so as not to be shamed. #howitworks

#eyeroll #facepalm #sarcasm

Fun fact: This post contains more hashtags than every other entry combined #uselesstrivia


Suck It Up, Cupcake!

Listen sweetie, in the real world, there’s math. It pays the bills. If you flunk math and drop out of your math classes, you fail. Or, you sue the school.

You know, because they totally owe you that degree. You’re special because you’ve got a virtual cornucopia of disabilities.

Valdez’s disabilities include Asperger’s syndrome, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and dyscalculia, which is a mathematics learning disability, her attorney, Donald Harris, said Tuesday.

I’ve got a prescription for that. Take a big ol’ dose of BGP* followed by some GOY** and call me never.

Oh but she’s just misunderstood.  I mean the school isn’t even willing to work with her.

Barbara Vail, Rocky Mountain’s interim academic vice president, said the college values Valdez as a student, takes seriously its obligations to provide access for students with disabilities, and is doing everything it can to help her graduate.

She said the attorney representing the college, W. Anderson Forsythe, plans to file a request to delay the lawsuit while they work out a solution in which Valdez would be tutored by associate math professor Robyn Cummins, who is trained in teaching people with disabilities.

“We’re very serious that a degree from Rocky means something,” she said.

The school has offered Valdez extended time on exams, permission to record lectures, free tutoring and note taking, and to substitute the second of the two required math classes with a course on logic, Forsythe wrote in a court filing Monday.

I see, they just aren’t coddling hard enough. Methinks the logic course may be a tad challenging for this wayward scholar.

It’s just so very unfair. I mean, math is HARD. And completely useless to an artist!

Harris questioned the usefulness of the math courses for Valdez’s career plans of becoming a graphic artist.

“Nobody will say these general education classes are essential to a degree in art,” he said.

I bet your helicopter parents are so very proud.

Listen, I know you’ve been told all of your life that you’re a special snowflake, and I’m sure it’s all very true. You know what the guy that signs the checks doesn’t need? Special snowflakes.

Here’s a cold, hard truth about the world. Very few graphic artists make a living from their art. Very few artists of any kind can make money off of it. Art comes out of a passion and must be a thing you can’t not do whether it comes with a paycheck or not.

I majored in music***. You know what pays the bills? Math.

(HT to Instinct who seems to enjoy watching the smoke dance out my ears)

*Big Girl Panties

***Get Over Yourself

***That alone should qualify as a learning disability. 


Oh The Humanity!

My friend, Firehand, has directed us to David Thompson’s beautiful skewering of an oh-so-downtrodden drama princess. A woman with the misspelled name of a goddess.

I spelled it for her like a first-grader would recite her home phone number. “I-c-e-s-s. You know, like the goddess, but spelled like ice,” I explained. “What?” she asked again.

Methinks perhaps she should be upset with her ‘clever’ parents that saddled her with such a moniker.

Yes, a name is not only who we are but also what we represent or hope to represent. They’re more personal than blood types and as intimate as a kiss. In my case, the name Icess involved the 1978 eastern seaboard blizzard and two immigrant parents who thought they were clever. They were, though it took me nearly a lifetime to acknowledge it.

Such a poor, delicate thing. How hard life must be. If only your parents had been as dull as mine and given you a name that can be shortened to a ‘proper pronoun’.

In fairness to Starbucks, it’s not just baristas who are at fault but any restaurant or eatery requiring a name to add a personal touch to its service. Over the years I’ve been Jessica, Jenny, Alison and She-Ra, Princess of Power. Yes, there came a time, after a lifetime of having my name misspelled and mispronounced by teachers, servers and sometimes bosses, where becoming She-Ra was easier than being myself. Angela could get coffee at Starbucks with ease while Icess was still spelling her name out. Jessica was a staple at my local Chinese place even though Icess paid. And even Microsoft Word recognized Jenny as a proper pronoun, a proper person, over me; the red squiggle line was a constant reminder. [Emphasis mine. For the record, I spell it ‘Jenni’, which also earns the squiggly line. I prefer not to be a female ass.]

Of course, who am I to protest? I don’t have a name at all! I should write my own op-ed about what a burden it is to be so labeled. A name so common that I can’t even use it to reliably identify my own coffee. Why, there may be as many as four ‘Jennifer’s’ in a Starbucks on any given day!

But alas, I have not been educated by anyone so talented as Icess. Oh to be such an amazing writer as to craft a word picture of someone giving birth to piglets from her brow.

Silence and a farrowed eyebrow.

Hmm, what an interesting visual.

far·row 1  (fr)


A litter of pigs.


To give birth to (a litter of pigs).


To produce a litter of pigs.
Far more creative than the usual, furrowed eyebrow.

fur·row  (fûr, fr)


1. A long, narrow, shallow trench made in the ground by a plow.
2. A rut, groove, or narrow depression: snow drifting in furrows.
3. A deep wrinkle in the skin, as on the forehead.


1. To make long, narrow, shallow trenches in; plow.
2. To form grooves or deep wrinkles in.


To become furrowed or wrinkled.
Way to use that Masters of Fine Arts in Creative Writing-Fiction*! (Hey Cap! Here’s a degree for you. Maybe someone should send her a book.)
My maiden name is one that when spelled out includes the words ‘no apostrophe’. That happens when your grandfather changed it upon immigrating from the Philippines. Especially funny when it meant that every teacher in elementary school was scanning for the little Irish girl when calling roll the first day of school only to find me. Oh the burdens and scars I bear!
Celebrate diversity by making sure everyone is the same! Rejoice in the unique by making it the norm!
*This woman has taught writing. I weep for her students.

132 cc’s of Bourbon, Stat

That might just start to improve my mood.

I got the results from my MRI. They came with a referral to a pain management doc.

F-ing fantastic.

Now, don’t misunderstand. I’m not ticked that I now have yet another person in my life with alphabet soup after their name. I’m ticked at Dr. Skippy (not-his-real-name, if I remembered his real name, I’d spread it far and wide so that the masses could gaze on his incompetence.)

You see, years ago, I went to a GP that I loved.  He was an older gentleman with very little tact. He was blunt and always gave me the straight story.  He was also very, very good. He listened to me and wasn’t condescending.  He didn’t bother with lab tests and extraneous procedures where they weren’t warranted.  Seriously, if I come in and tell you I have strep, I have strep.  I know what it tastes and feels like please for the love of God don’t gag me with an over-sized q-tip to confirm with the lab. He knew his stuff and didn’t waste my time with crap.  Awesome.

And then he retired. And sold his practice, complete with patient portfolio, to Dr. Skippy.  Dr. Skippy had yet to take the training wheels off his shiny new medical degree when he took over. He had all kinds of sparkly new ideas on patient care too.


Oh! And he was a crusader against the eeeeeviiiiils of alcohol and tobacco.

Until recently, I’ve not really been one to avail myself of the services of the stethoscope stands on a regular basis.  So after a car accident in 2006, I headed over for my first visit (Michael had seen him previously and has his own story of this guy’s incompetence). But he had my x-rays from the ER, so I figured I’d give the new alphabet soup guy a shot.

Dr. Skippy: I see you haven’t been in recently.

Me: Nope. I’m generally pretty healthy. Haven’t really needed too visit.

Dr. Skippy: *eyebrow starting to twitch towards that look.  You know the one* Well since you’re here, I’d like to go ahead and update your file.

Me: k

<insert the usual med history questions here>

Dr. Skippy: Do you smoke?

Me: only if I’m on fire (yes, I make jokes with medical professionals. This is important in a minute)

Dr. Skippy: *notably not laughing or even smiling.  More eyebrow twitching* Uh huh.

Me: No.  I don’t smoke

Dr. Skippy: Beer, Wine, or Whiskeeeeeey? (this was said with all the hell-fire and brimstone of any good prohibitionist.  Seriously, I think there was spittle flying)

Me: Well not all in the same glass

Dr. Skippy: *horrified look*

Me: Yes, I’ve been known to enjoy all three. In moderation.

Dr. Skippy: *and here’s the dripping condescension* And what do you consider ‘moderation?’ (complete with air quotes)

Me: Abstemiously. (Yes, I’m messing with him now.)

Dr. Skippy: *blank look*

Me: *to myself* Oh crap! He’s stripped a gear in the vocabulary center of his brain

–conversation not verbatim, close, but not exact–

Dr. Skippy  proceeded to tell me all about the dangers of alcoholism and how it’s really better to just avoid it. blah blah blah

So we finally get around to talking about my x-rays. He gave me a copy of the findings report from the ER and pointed out how the spasms were causing my neck to be pulled straight rather than settled in the natural curve and gave me a prescription for ibuprofen.

I pointed out that right there in the ER doc’s notes, they saw signs of early degenerative disc disease in my neck. I asked if I should be concerned and what should be done.  He told me not to worry about it and that there really wasn’t anything that could be done until it got worse.

Ya know what? If we’d done something back then, I wouldn’t be having the problem I am today.  And yes, there were lots of things that could have been done. You see, that degenerative disc is now an extruded disc. Gee, thanks Dr. Skippy.

So now I have a pain management doc.  Just got off the phone with his office where I was scheduling a cortisone injection in my spine. Which is apparently quite the production.

And my tree is broken. And my garden is beat up. And I’m being re-organized at work.

And where is that bourbon I ordered!

Clint Eastwood Doesn’t Sugar Coat It

So Roberta has a quote up from one of my most favorite Hollywood figures

 let’s spend a little more time leaving everybody alone.

Amen to that! So I clicked through the links, and I found the context. And damn. Yeah.  What he said.

“These people who are making a big deal out of gay marriage?” Eastwood opined. “I don’t give a fuck about who wants to get married to anybody else! Why not?! We’re making a big deal out of things we shouldn’t be making a deal out of.”

“They go on and on with all this bullshit about ‘sanctity’ — don’t give me that sanctity crap! Just give everybody the chance to have the life they want.”

You see, that’s the thing about fighting for liberty.  You want everybody to have the chance to have the life they want.  Not the one you want for them.  You don’t even get to offer a pre-approved list of lives they get to pick from.  And I’m not making any promises anyone will get the life they want.  I just want them to have the chance to build it for themselves.

This is my problem with the social conservatives.  They pretend to be on the side of liberty until someone wants to exercise their personal liberty in a way that offends their high moral character. <insert eyeroll>

You know what?  I’m Christian, straight, and married to a man.  I believe the homosexual lifestyle is sinful. You know what else? I believe you should have the rights to live in whatever kind of sin you choose just as long as it isn’t hurting me and I’m not paying for it.  And honestly, the only person’s sexuality I’m concerned with beyond my own, is the person I’m having sex with.  We can still be friends if you’re dancing a different horizontal mambo.

I’m sick of politicians wrapping themselves in some sanctimonious cloak of Judeo Christian values.  Jesus didn’t come to pass a law. He came to save the sinners. The lost.  The queers.  The fags.  And me.