CyberMonday Sale!

Oh right, I’m not selling anything here…

Um. Well this is awkward.

I’ve got it! All posts are half off! Free shipping if you act now.

No?

Dang.

This capitalism thing is hard. It’s like I need to provide something in exchange for money. Hmm.

Do you want me to tell you a story? Does it have to be true?

There was that time that a penguin stole my cousin’s Snickers while he was time traveling. He never did finish that story. Guess I’ll have to ask him about it last week. Penguins are notorious candy thieves, you know.

You didn’t? I bet you thought they just ate fish, didn’t you?

Generally speaking, you would be correct. There hasn’t been a lot of study into the reasons why, but their blood sugar levels tend to drop near temporal anomalies. It upsets some delicate balance or some such nonsense.

Just don’t give them this sort of candy.

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"candy"

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That can upset all sorts things and cause the penguins to start gallivanting off to parts unknown.

Personally, I refer to avoid the regions where penguins tend to gather. I’m not hearty enough for the cold, you see. But should you happen upon a gallivanting penguin, pack him carefully for the return voyage.

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Always pack your cat with plenty of padding

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Had to substitute a cat as I had no penguins handy. You have to work with what you’ve got.

Yes, there is a tip jar. There are also far more worthy causes than funding my occasional ramblings. Help Camp Fire Mama. She needs it more than I do.

Disclaimer: Jennifer seems to have acquired some sort of upper respiratory virus. This post brought to you by The Fever. The line for complaints has been quarantined for your protection. All employees must wash hands and all of that. 

Jennifer’s Fool Proof Post Holiday Diet

Here we go, barrelling straight into the holidays. The more restrained among you still have a bowl of Halloween candy that you’ve been surreptitiously snacking out of. Some of you have already eaten it, while still others have squirreled it away from insatiable teenagers that weren’t even here that night so it’s not like they suspect there’s candy in Mom and Dad’s room…

Not that your humble host would ever do such a thing. With the Snickers. And the Kit Kat…

But that’s all beside the point. We’re here to talk about the holiday weight gain, and I’m here to tell you with careful planning and discipline, you’ll be able to satisfy all your holiday cravings with a simple method which I will detail below.

I’ll get to that, but first let’s talk about the pie, and the potatoes, the stuffing, and the gravy. Oh the gravy! If they are doing it right, that gravy comes from all the drippings from the turkey. That’s right, the fat. And then they are going to add milk or cream. More delicious fat!

You think you’re playing it safe when you head for the “salads” and veggie trays? Think again. Those veggie trays are centered around a vat of ranch dressing. And the “salad”? This is not a salad, but you may find it displayed as one.

What if I told you that with the information I’m going to give you below the break, you could indulge in the snicker salad AND all of the miraculous cookies that appear in the your break room? You want to build a six-inch cone of whipped cream on top of that pumpkin pie, and I know you do, go for it. That specialty strawberry cream that you asked someone to make special for you. You won’t even have to take it home before you eat it straight out of the pie tin and still be amazed at the number on the scale.

All of this and more is offered to you completely free of charge. Just click below the break to subscribe to my completely fraudulent and non-existent newsletter. Just $9.99 a month. Read to the end for an exclusive discount!

Continue reading Jennifer’s Fool Proof Post Holiday Diet