Today’s Told Ya So

The sparkly whiny vampire wanna-be that is so moody and insecure that he’s stalking a whiny high school girl, remember him?   He’s allergic to vagina.  Lemme say that again for all the creepy weird Twi-moms having fantasies that would get you put on a list if they were to come true.

He’s allergic to vaginas.

I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.

Although, he may have some weird fascination with elephants.

Did you know elephants purr? It’s completely scary if you don’t know what it is. They purr like cats, but their heads are so deep they sound like velociraptors. You feel it in the ground under your feet. So this big female started sniffing my foot—big female elephant, that is. She sniffed it so hard it came up off the pavement like her trunk was a vacuum cleaner. Then she took my entire body in her mouth. I was holding on to her head, and as I slowly let go she tightened her grip really carefully until I’m just upside down in her mouth and she’s going through my pockets with her trunk, looking for peppermints. It was the best day of my life. Yeah. So beautiful you can’t imagine. And the baby elephant was so excited that it sprinted out and did its routine in five seconds and then curtsied to everybody. It was actually laughing. Brilliant. Did you know they can also do imitations of other animals? A horse, a chicken, a monkey—these elephants could, anyway. They were movie elephants. One had written a screenplay, and one really wants to direct.

At least he didn’t compare his penis to a Klan leader.

(Hmm, can I work in Viagra and Cialis just to complete the spammer bait in this post?)

I’m afraid you can’t just vacuum the rug to deal with this allergy ladies. (Oh man, there’s a double meaning in there, I just know it. Shave the cat?  No, that’s worse.)  I’m afraid you may just have to make do with this pillow.  And hey, making anything else with that pillow is probably not a felony.

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