Over-Glorified Bloated Coffee Giant Down To The Last Drop

Pardon the maniacal laughter.

I’ve never liked Starbucks, and so hearing about their financial woes doesn’t exactly elicit sympathy from me.  I’ve never really understood how someone could pay over 4 dollars for a cup of steamed cream with a shot of over roasted espresso staining the bottom.  I suppose it is all for the image of the coffee elite.  Funny thing though, I’ve never met anyone that really appreciates good coffee that actually likes Starbucks.  I only see the wanna-be connoisseurs sipping out of those Styrofoam symbols of conformity.  Blech!

According to their website, they use all the finest imported coffee beans.  That would be great, if they didn’t roast them until they turned into something that smells far more like roof tar than that wonderful caffeinated elixir of morning coherence.  They add all the frou-frou junk to it so that you don’t actually taste the coffee.  I’m not kidding.  Walk into one of their ubiquitous outlets and order a straight espresso.  The barista will look at you with terror in her eyes.  That is, once you explain to her that espresso is traditionally the central component of a cappuccino.  She will then hold her breath in anticipation of you taking a sip of the unadulterated sludge.

And let me describe to you the flavor that you will experience.  I assume that most of my readers have experience with a break room.  Most break rooms have those Bunn-style coffee makers in them running all day.  You know the ones I am talking about.  You pull out the filter cup, open the pre-packaged baggie of coffee grounds, slide it into the machine, hit the button, and it begins to brew.  Within just a few minutes, you have a pot of mediocre coffee.  Ever notice what happens when someone leaves that little dribble in the pot and places it back on the hot burner?  It makes that tar-like substance in the bottom and smells like Juan Valdez had one too many burritos.  That smell is exactly like the flavor your tongue will experience.  Use caution!  Make sure there are no children within range of your disgusted spew.

As a bonafide coffee snob, I consider what Starbucks does to those poor beans an abomination.  I come by the coffee snob title quite honestly.  At our house, we order our coffee beans green from Caracolillo Coffee Mill.  We roast a little at a time so as to preserve the freshness.  We grind them using a burr grinder and then brew them in a fancy imported espresso machine that we didn’t pay retail for.  One of these:

Mmm.  Even if we had paid retail, it would be a fraction of what some people have spent on their morning status symbols lattes.  I will freely admit that I do not have time every morning to perform the coffee ritual.  In those cases, I drink the drip from the break room because I refuse to pay an outrageous sum of money for the swill they pass off as coffee.

I will lose no sleep over the loss of Starbucks.  In fact, I may have to have an espresso martini this evening.  I’ll raise my glass in toast to the downfall of the aberration.

4 thoughts on “Over-Glorified Bloated Coffee Giant Down To The Last Drop”

  1. I do like Starbucks but for some of the other drinks. But they are expensive but then so is anything to get eat out. Jamba Juice is expensive as hell too and equally unhealthy (fruit has tons of sugar too) and I don’t go there either anymore.

    I drink very little coffee, prefer to not drink it if I can help it. Unsweetened ice tea is what I can’t get enough of when done correctly which so few restaurants can do.

  2. I will admit that some of their other drinks are palatable.
    The best unsweetened ice tea is made at home in a jar out in the sun. Mmm. Really nice if you throw a little fresh mint in as well. Funny, but just plain old Lipton seems to be pretty good for that. Maybe that’s just me.

  3. I don’t make my own but it would be good because it would be the jar in sun variety. Both places that have the tea I like store it in a jar in the cooler. I’m not sure how they make it but its good. I discovered that the best one uses crushed ice upon serving.

    At Starbucks, I used to get the Java Chip Venti double blended regularly. But decided that was affecting my physically too much with all that sugar. I stopped getting it and have been back only once since.

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