Because I am too inept to keep from hurting myself in the kitchen. Therefore, even though the vast majority of people know better than to run their finger around the sharp lip to try to get out every last ounce of cream of mushroom, they should be banned.
Truly, they are like ticking time bombs. Accidents waiting to happen. Even if you’ve been using them everyday for years, one day you will snap and slice open your trigger finger right along that last joint. You will then be far too preoccupied with keeping the blood* out of dinner that you will fail to take a picture to accompany the subsequent blog post.
Indeed, these assault cans should be banned for the good of the people. No one needs such easy and speedy access to their soup. Did you know that just by having them in your home that you are 50 times more likely to bleed on your tea towels? It’s true. Like all statistics. Won’t someone think of the children!
Don’t listen to Campbell’s and the insidious soup lobby. They don’t care about the children. No, they just want you to have unlimited access to these instruments of danger and finger slicing. We must make it more difficult to obtain the implements of finger destruction! You can’t just let anyone handle these things. They require special training.
And yet there they sit on grocery store shelves. No one even checks an ID. Why, it’s a grocery store loophole! They don’t even carry warnings about the inherent dangers. Husbands will nonchalantly hand the open cans to their wives and then giggle** when they inevitably hurt themselves. The internet is bound to be full of videos that demonstrate that point.
We’ve got to ban the cans. For our fingers’ sake.
*The amount of blood that comes out of a cut like this is really pretty impressive.
**no, he didn’t giggle at the time. The giggle came later and was totally justified.
Why yes, I did just find a self-deprecating way to make fun of the gun control crowd! My talents, they are wide and varied but do not include the culinary arts.