Apparently, They’re Insane

Remember when I said this?

Dear FTC:  They provided free samples to anyone that asked.  I asked; they sent.  Although, if Emergency Seed Bank is also afflicted with the insanity malady and wishes to provide me more seeds to expose to extreme peril and certain death for the sake of internet fame and recognition, I’d be happy to oblige.  I’ll disclaim accordingly if such madness transpires.

If not, that’s a big ol’ link that will take you there.

Well…They actually responded with this.

Hi Jennifer,

glad to hear that you liked the swiss chard. I would like to send you out an Emergency Seed Bank. It contains 23 Heirloom, non-GMO, non-hybrid varieties of garden seed sufficient for a 1-acre emergency garden. You can save the seeds from year to year. You’re welcomed to ask us any questions along the way. What we ask in return is that you write on your blog once a month about your experience with the seeds. And that you grow (or at least make a good effort) at least one plant of every variety.

Um…

You really want to risk me killing 23 Heirloom, non-GMO, non-hybrid varieties of garden seed?

I don’t think they know what they are getting into.  But hey, why not?  You all will enjoy my total noob gardening adventure right?  And I haven’t killed the chard yet.  At least, not all the chard…

So, in anticipation, we increased the garden area from this tiny section you can see bordered by the bricks.

Last year, this little plot contained 2 pear tomato plants, a better boy tomato, a beef steak tomato and an Armenian cucumber.  There was a pot at the end with jalapeños and a habanero plant.  The tomatoes did alright.  Not great, just alright.  The cucumber died a horrible and disappointing death during the drought.  We didn’t get a single cucumber from it.  Cucumber FAIL.

We eliminated the hot tub and expanded the garden to 110 square feet.  Understand that we live in town on about 1/8 of an acre.

And then a box came in the mail.

It came with a book to tell us how to plant and harvest.  And a separate book to tell us how to harvest the seeds.  Yep, these people are insane.  They’ll sell you this box of seeds with instructions on how to never need to buy another one.  And, it all came in a freaking ammo box.  These people have a good idea of their market.

So after careful planning

Complete with full consultation of the book, the Google and a beverage of choice.  We began to plant.

Notice the high end dividers.  Yeah.  That very night, we had a crazy windstorm.  Everything moved.  But that’s alright.  The garden is now random salad!  I found spinach where we hadn’t planted anything.  How’d I know it was spinach?  I ate it.  It tasted like spinach, and I didn’t die.  So either I have a very tasty random weed, or the spinach moved in the wind.

And look!  Radish!  (I’m pretty sure.)

And unidentified sprouts!

I don’t know what they are yet, but I bet they’ll be tasty if I don’t kill them.

And so, you will either be reading about the adventures of noob gardener Jen, or possibly, Farmer Jen, Vegetable Assassin.    Either way, should be interesting, right? So, Thank You, Emergency Seed Bank! As of this point, I highly recommend this to everyone that wants a vegetable garden. I’ve never grown anything from seed before this year. I can kill ivy, just saying. And yet, sprouts. At least one of which is big enough to eat. This is a big deal, I promise.

–Why yes mystery FTC character, they did give me seeds in return for posting.  That’s kind of what this entire post was about.  Therefore, I have nothing to disclaim.  I claim every word.

8 thoughts on “Apparently, They’re Insane”

  1. sending you good vibes from Chris’s grandmother, who can create rosebushes from a bundle of roses purchased at the grocery store.

    in fact, i’ll call her shortly to make sure she prays for your garden.

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