Mom called, it might be today. Of course, it might have been Friday, or a week ago at the hospital. Yesterday, the doctor said he would be surprised if Granddad lasted another 2 days. But of course it’s not an exact science. Granddad will go when he is good and ready. I won’t ever be ready, but I’m as close to ready as I am going to get. Today, he is not responding. Not to Nana or anyone else. They are just giving him regular infusions of pain meds and playing soft music.
I’m not dropping everything and running over there. I kind of want to, but I’ve done that so much lately. And there’s not really anything I could do. For now, I’m staying at work and have apparently forgotten how to eat a sandwich. I seem to have decided to eat it from both ends and work towards the middle. I took a picture, I’ll add it later. Sorry about the tangent, I just looked down at my lunch and realized I’ve suddenly become retarded. Laugh, it’s allowed. Healthy actually.
In my heart, I hope it’s today. I really hate to say that, but I’ve set up a pattern of being brutally honest here and don’t really plan to change it. I know that the only way for Granddad to stop suffering is to let the angels take him. He told Nana yesterday that he was going with them. Then the rest of us can really mourn his loss as we haven’t been able to do yet. And we can refocus and be able to celebrate his life. Can’t really do that right now, no clarity.
I’m going tonight. Even though he probably will not know that I am there. That just means he is closer to home.
UPDATE: You guys are really awesome. Extra cool points for all of you. We are picking up pizza and heading down to hospice shortly. With all of us together, may as well make it a party (of sorts). In case anyone is curious, this is the hospice group we are working with. We’ve dealt with them 3 times in as many years. You can visit their website at www.odsyhealth.com.