Otherwise known as Things You Already Know If You’ve Perused My Archives
or One Way Not To Win Friends and Influence Oklahomans
or possibly The Post That Alienates People I Really Do Like
I hate football. That’s not exactly right. It’s fine, really. I don’t mind that it exists. As long as it exists in a realm separate from me. I don’t even mind other people think it’s great. There are people that I love and respect deeply that for reasons beyond my comprehension love it. But that glazed over look you get when you start talking about ‘the game’ is my coping technique that keeps me from gouging out my eyes with the nearest blunt object.
Some of my favorite blogs even contain sport-centric posts this time of year. Don’t you people understand that I’m trying to read these things at work?! The catatonic stare could get me caught you know. People might even notice the drool. It’s very difficult to manage people from my happy place.
And then I get an email invitation to a tailgate party. Complete with the NASCAR RV. It starts out “If you like colder weather, football, tailgating……” Sure! I’m so there. Right after I strip naked and roll in the rose bushes. We’ve all got priorities.
And these people that I love and care about are saying, “But Jen, you’re a conservative! You’re from the heartland. You went to a state college. You like guns. You’re from a town inhabited by more cows than people. You participated in a pig calling competiton in elementary school for crying out loud!”
Yes, it’s all true. And yet, I’ve never tuned into the appeal of large sweaty men chasing a ball and throwing themselves on top of one another. I’ve tried. I went to my high school’s home games. I watched while the corn fed farm boys threw around the pansy kids from that other school. I was the one that sang the national anthem to start the game. It’s just not worth freezing my butt to an aluminum bench even if the band kids snuck in beer.
If you’re one of those fans and you’ve made it this far, I applaud you. I do not have the capacity to focus this far into a game recap. Really, the hat I don’t wear is off to you. And if you did, you’re probably one of those people that I love and respect and maybe even have shopped with. And now you’re going to flame me. I look forward to it because I know you are far more eloquent and educated than my usual flamers and assume that you will not suggest I off myself. It should be fun.