Or reason number Q that I’m glad we pulled our kid out of public school*
Once, when the TeenBot was just a WeeBot, I received a phone call from the principal at his elementary school. I rolled my eyes and thought, “What is it this time?” I mean, this is the school that was just outraged that he would have the audacity to clap his hands while they were behind his back. The students had been clapping, and in an effort to quiet them down, the teacher told them to put their hands behind their backs. She did not, mind you, tell them to stop clapping. Ah yes, a truly impressive intellect.
So I put on my patient hat, turned on my phone voice, and answered.
Inept Principal: Mrs. Robot?
IP: We’re going to need you to come down to the school and pick up your son. There’s been an incident.
Me: Oh really? What happened?
IP: Well you see, Ms. Scaredovashadow was giving her lesson and some of the boys were being disruptive.
Me: And so I need to come and pick up my son? That seems a little excessive.
IP: Yes ma’am. You see, your son made a finger pistol and pointed it at the other boys. He’ll be suspended for 3 days.
Me: (incredulous) A finger pistol?
IP: (gravely) Yes ma’am
Me: (doing my best not to laugh) Was anyone hurt?
IP: Well, no
Me: So, I guess it didn’t go off
IP: He’ll be in my office when you get here.
Because apparently, my son has the magical ability to sneak a dastardly finger pistol past the gun-free force-field. Criminal mastermind in the making.
So, in accordance with the law, I parked off of school grounds, disarmed, secured my pistol in my vehicle, and walked in to retrieve my dangerous 3rd grader. All the while, openly carrying all 10 fingers complete with organic bayonets (what? If a hand sign is a pistol, wouldn’t it follow that fingernails are bayonets?). We then went out for ice cream.
Sadly, the stupid isn’t limited to the elementary school in our neighborhood. In fact, I’m amazed the school officials in Nebraska don’t drown when it rains.
Hunter Spanjer signs his first name by making what looks like shooting gestures with both hands. He crosses his fingers when he does it – a modification to show it’s his proper name.
But the Grand Island Public Schools board says its “Weapons in Schools” policy bans “any instrument … that looks like a weapon.” The school wants him to change the sign, a request Hunter’s family says is both unfair and silly.
“We are working with the parents to come to the best solution we can for the child,” said school board spokesman Jack Sheard.
I’ve got an idea for a solution, Jack. How about, I give you the finger, and you pull your head out of your rectum? Maybe the students should terrorize the school board with an infestation of itsy bitsy spiders and bunnies foo foo.
*Technically, he is still in the public school system. It’s actually virtual school which he attends in his bedroom on his computer with oversight from EvylRobot.