It’s a Special Skill

So, about the crockpot lid.

Wait, I should back up. Our kitchen is the eternal remodel and clutter catcher,* and as such is rather limited in counter space. And so we have to get creative sometimes. Particularly when I’ve decided to try something new, and EvylRobot needs to use the kitchen for things like making sure the family doesn’t starve. He’s thoughtful like that.

Got a message from a coworker that she had an overabundance of pears and wanted to spread the wealth around. Of course I volunteered to take them off of her hands. Not that I had any idea what to do with them. Oh you people and your planning ahead!

A few days later, a box of pears showed up on my desk at the office. I took them home and placed them on the floor in the kitchen (remember, no counter space) to await INSPIRATION.

And they waited.

And waited. Until I randomly ran across a mention of pear butter. Hmm. So off to Google I went to find recipes to not follow. And no, you won’t find a recipe here unless you consider the following instructions descriptive enough to copy. (There are several steps I recommend skipping.)

1. Wash old mystery funk out of crockpot because teenage son neglected it.

2. Cut up pears into crockpot while having a beer with Dad. Throw in the couple of Granny Smith’s that have been sitting on the counter too.

3. Add cinnamon, the rest of the nutmeg, some cloves and 2 shots of bourbon.

4. Turn crockpot on low and watch Doctor Who. Wait for magic.




5. Stir between episodes and smell the deliciousness.

6. Let cook for many hours over low heat stirring and smashing. I started this late Saturday night and let it reduce until Monday morning at which point it was a dense paste.

7. Move crockpot from counter top to stove top just to get it out of the way for dinner preparation.

8. Eat dinner. Stow leftovers. Retrieve crockpot.

9. Curse crockpot power cord for being entangled in burner covers on gas range.

10. Lift crockpot higher to disentangle said cord. When you are 5’4″ and barefoot in the kitchen (I know), this requires crockpot to be held over the head.

11. Tilt crockpot just enough to cause the lid to slide.

12. Catch lid with face

20130916_21343813. Watch as lid clatters to the floor anyway because you are incapable of actually catching anything other than a cold with your nose.

14. See stars

15. Curse profusely

16. Place crockpot on counter

17. Add a cup of water to the pear paste. Place lid on crockpot and turn it to the lowest setting.

18. Grab an icepack and a Spaten Oktoberfest and watch Star Trek

19. Swell

20130916_21351120. Once pear butter is reheated, abandon the original plans of actually processing and canning and just stuff it into some jars and stick it in the freezer, reserving one jar in the refrigerator for immediate consumption and another as a thank you gift for the coworker that provided the pears.

Folks, I am a professional. I have advanced personal injury skills. Do not try this at home. This blog and blogger cannot be held liable for any injuries related to trying to cook like Jennifer.

*Who am I kidding? Every flat surface is a clutter catcher.




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