The Treadmill is Calling Me

That dreadful machine. It perplexes me. Running? On purpose? Away from… the free weights?

I know I’ve got a double standard here. I have learned to appreciate the rowing machine, after all. I have forgiven it’s lack of water and destination. And the elliptical? That’s not even pretending to do anything other than firm up your butt and make you sweat. Theoretically, my time on the rowing machine is developing some kind of skill that might be useful here in this landlocked state. There are rivers. I’m told zombies don’t swim well. What if I happened upon a conveniently placed rowboat on the Red River while trying to escape the infected hordes? (Yeah, I’d still be outta luck. Don’t know if you’ve seen the Red River, but it’s a whole lot of red and not a lot of river.) There is a rowing team at work not that I’ve even considered joining it.

But what good are the smooth low-impact leg movements of the elliptical going to do for me? Don’t eat me! Surely toned thighs would be stringy and unpalatable. Right? And I’m pretty sure there are no elliptical teams out there.

Okay, so I don’t go to the gym to develop any useful skills. I go to the gym because I really like food. Liking food+a family history of diabetes+a desire to fit into my clothing+a certain amount of vanity=time in the gym. I even wear sensible shoes for the occasion. Also, I’m with Jennifer Lawrence on the whole ‘diet’ thing.

If anybody even tries to whisper the word ‘diet’, I’m like, ‘You can go f*ck yourself.’”

Maybe I’m too hard on the old treadmill. But I can’t very well start running now. My Twitter blurb tells the internet that I’m the one that shoots, not the one that runs. (a Google search on my name used to return results for a Dutch marathon runner.) Twitter blurbs are forever and must absolutely be true. Who am I to go against what I said about myself on the Twitter? You already know what happened last time I tried running. I “won” a medal.

Even now it waits for me. Standing quietly upstairs. Or maybe it’s whirring along entertaining the thump thump of another’s feet.

Maybe I should give it another shot. It always looks so lonely. It wasn’t the treadmill that betrayed me on the corporate challenge field. Besides, ammo is finite and if the zombies chase me to the Red River, running would be a better option than rowing.

10 thoughts on “The Treadmill is Calling Me”

  1. Running, for me (back in the day before the family’s cursed hereditary-knee-problems caught up with me), was theraputic. Worked off stress, allowed me time to think, kept me relatively fit, etc. Tried doing the elliptical, but other than sweating a lot, I lost no weight whatsoever. Now, I’m eyeing the treadmill that Serenity’s grandparents bought (and have used! Once. A year ago.), or maybe getting a fitness center membership and trying the exercycle. Riding a bike, back in the day, again, actually helped burn off the bellyfat. For me, at least.

  2. Running burns twice as many calories as the elliptical. At least in my experience. Burn more calories for the same time spent? That is a win in my book. Also, rule number one for the Zombie apocalypse; Cardio: Fatties Die First.

  3. I hate to exercise. It’s just pain. I need a motivation that takes the mind off the exercise towards a more rewarding goal.

    Sword fighting!

    Well sword fighting for sport, AKA, fencing. I guarantee when you are focused on touching your opponent or parrying their attack, you are not thinking about the bodily movements involved.

    If you happen to be in the Phoenix area, my club has a “first time free” policy. I’d be happy to host. But I know you hail from a more eastern longitude line but even money says there is a club near you.

    $.02

    PS… My doctor reports he sees the difference in my blood tests & BP reports.

  4. Have you considered Indian club, aka clubbells. You just need overhead space indoors, really, and it’s a good low impact, whole body workout. Good for increased grip strenth, too.

  5. Treadmills are for walking … and watching TV. 3.5 mph for 1 hour and whatever is on the cable that I can stand to look at/listen to (Discovery/TLC 20+ years ago). Control your heart rate by extending or shortening your length of stride, no fair dialing back the speed setting (although changing the angle of the treadmill helps with the boredom).

    Zombies aren’t going to be impressed by anything you do (except possibly kill them) so a flashy sprint seems a waste. A brisk pace slightly faster then their shambol will win the day I think and leave you less winded when it comes to shooting time. 🙂 Bullets are a finite resource, targets much less so.

  6. Walking 3.5 miles in an hour will burn possibly half the calories of actually running 3.5 miles in 30 minutes. Then again, if a 3.5 mph walk gets your heart rate up to 80% mhr then you should start there. If not, run.

  7. Regular running is out of the question as there’s little cartilege not scraped out in the right knee after the big Knee Blow Out Sale of 11. Weights and swimming and walking work, and occasionally the “50 yard black lab ran out the back door with my expensive new panties dash”

  8. Treadmill looking lonely? You are obviously not accessorizing it correctly…mine looks positively radiant as a hall tree! I may even put lights on it for Christmas!

  9. “I even wear sensible shoes for the occasion.”

    Please don’t talk like that. 🙂

    I will never forget the gym scene in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion where they were wearing giant skyscraper platform heels on the treadmill. 🙂

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