Here we go, barrelling straight into the holidays. The more restrained among you still have a bowl of Halloween candy that you’ve been surreptitiously snacking out of. Some of you have already eaten it, while still others have squirreled it away from insatiable teenagers that weren’t even here that night so it’s not like they suspect there’s candy in Mom and Dad’s room…
Not that your humble host would ever do such a thing. With the Snickers. And the Kit Kat…
But that’s all beside the point. We’re here to talk about the holiday weight gain, and I’m here to tell you with careful planning and discipline, you’ll be able to satisfy all your holiday cravings with a simple method which I will detail below.
I’ll get to that, but first let’s talk about the pie, and the potatoes, the stuffing, and the gravy. Oh the gravy! If they are doing it right, that gravy comes from all the drippings from the turkey. That’s right, the fat. And then they are going to add milk or cream. More delicious fat!
You think you’re playing it safe when you head for the “salads” and veggie trays? Think again. Those veggie trays are centered around a vat of ranch dressing. And the “salad”? This is not a salad, but you may find it displayed as one.
What if I told you that with the information I’m going to give you below the break, you could indulge in the snicker salad AND all of the miraculous cookies that appear in the your break room? You want to build a six-inch cone of whipped cream on top of that pumpkin pie, and I know you do, go for it. That specialty strawberry cream that you asked someone to make special for you. You won’t even have to take it home before you eat it straight out of the pie tin and still be amazed at the number on the scale.
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Let this be the first year you just ignore that scale. Indulge! If you follow my instructions carefully, you too will be able to laugh at that New Year’s resolution because you’ll be feeling lighter than air!
Understand, you must follow my instructions very carefully for the desired results. Very carefully. Any deviation will result in unfavorable numbers on your bathroom scale.
Now is the time to plan out your holiday lights. You are looking for something that can be seen from orbit. Spare no expense. What you want is a gleaming runway preferably in LEDs lighting the way to your chimney. Although it is acceptable to go ahead and put them up now, you must not light them until after Thanksgiving. The North Pole team is flying training missions as we speak. The trainees are not yet ready for landing strips. Any landing strips that exist prior to Thanksgiving will likely be written off as official landing strips and will not be on the flight plan for Christmas Eve. There is a chance you will still be visited even if you do light your lights early, but I wouldn’t risk it.
Now is the time to test your cookie recipe on your coworkers. If there are dark chunks of something in your cookies, they are chocolate. They are not raisins. That is just cruel and unusual. If you leave cookies that look like chocolate chip out for Santa but are actually raisin, he will spit them out and move on. Those things are an abomination to all things cookie. You are not concerned with Santa’s fiber consumption. You want him to hang out and enjoy your cookies. Because…
Remember that candy corn from Halloween? It was never intended for human consumption, but flying reindeer love that stuff. It’s like flying reindeer crack. And the mystery candy in the orange and black wrapping? Throw that in there too. It’s very chewy. Just before sunset on December 24th, you’re going to spread that out on your runway. The goal here is to make the reindeer land. You see, Santa’s reindeer team creates a force field around themselves to achieve flight. You will not be able to shoot them unless they actually land.
I know what you’re thinking. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and even Rudolph are long gone. They were just the original breeding stock. By now, the North Pole is over run with them. Especially from Vixen. She was…erm…productive. Anyway, Santa has back up teams on top of back up teams and he’s still having trouble feeding them all.
Yes, the astute among you have caught on already, but don’t feel bad if you haven’t. The secret to seeing the numbers that make you happy after all of the holiday binge eating is flying reindeer meat.
I know, I just told you that flying reindeer create a force field to achieve flight. But you can’t put a force field around a whitetail and head into the atmosphere. You just get deer that are very good at jumping fences. Even a few that wind up in power lines. You’ve probably run across the pictures.
Flying reindeer are special. Although science has been unable to isolate the specific protein, it is clear that they possess a particular protein that makes them gravity neutral. Since weight = mass times gravity, the secret to seeing lower numbers on that scale is mass that is not affected by gravity. Yes, eating delicious flying reindeer jerky, steaks, and to a lesser extent, sausage will help you lose weight after the holidays.
Now you’ve got to time it just right. You have wait for them to land before taking a shot. They must lower the force field in order to land. Don’t get greedy. Just take one. There is a back-up team tailing him ready to handle just such incidents. (They still call themselves the redneck response unit because of the incident in 1974). Santa has absolutely no patience for delays once he lays that finger aside of his nose, so you’ve got to act fast. This is where the cookies come into play. Every minute you can add between chimney descent and ascent will increase your window.
Make it a clean shot and get your reindeer out of sight before the big man gets back. If he sees you field stripping Comet’s great-great-etc-grandchild in your front yard, you just might make the naughty list. Be careful. No one really knows what the retention rules are once you’ve made the naughty list might be.
Yes, I know. He sees you when you’re sleeping and all of that, but on this night of all nights, he’s kind of preoccupied.
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