No, I’ll Not Be Seeing 50 Shades This Weekend

Or any time, actually. And no, not for some pretentious holier than thou reason either. You wanna get in on some ‘Mommy Porn,’ have at it for all I care. Yes, I love God and I love my husband, seeing this movie wouldn’t change any of that. Hell, maybe I should go see it. It’ll make me even more glad that I’m not married to some petulant man-child with mommy issues.

—-Links are NSFW—-

No, I haven’t read it. I tried, really I did, but the writing is so outrageously bad that I spend way too much time laughing at the clumsy narrative and terrible grammar than getting into the story*.

The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor. [Jen’s Note: She’s going up]


Which is good, because if I could get into the story I’d be completely disgusted. Rather than read through it myself, I’ve followed along with Cliff at The Pervocracy (If you have a moral issue with pornography and alternative lifestyles, you might not want to spend too much time over there. If not, you might learn something about BDSM while you’re there.).

I’m just going to cut right to the chase here. It’s still stalking, abuse, and rape even if he’s really really good looking. If he tells you that you can’t use a safe word, you don’t have a safe word. I couldn’t care less what kinky fun-times you want to have provided there is consent.

But this?

This is the first time I have ever had sex in my home, and as sex goes, I think it was pretty damn fine. But now I feel like a receptacle – an empty vessel to be filled at his whim. […] I have an overwhelming urge to cry, a sad and lonely melancholy grips and tightens round my heart. Dashing back to my bedroom, I close the door and lean against it trying to rationalize my feelings. I can’t. Sliding to the floor, I put my head in my hands as my tears begin to flow.

Yeah, that’s exactly how romance should make you feel. In bizarro world. It’s not kinky edgy romance; it’s a drawn out rape fantasy with a super-sized side order of co-dependency. He’s not dreamy; he’s a predator. Personally, I prefer my fantasy men to be confident and respectable and not the kind of guy that could be completely emasculated because his lady friend bought him breakfast at IHOP.

Ladies, Hollywood just told you that your greatest sexual fantasy is to be subjugated, stalked, and abused by a rich and handsome man. Yeah, sisterhood?

*Remember that time I used a run-on, rambly sentence to describe terrible writing? Yeah, like that.

8 thoughts on “No, I’ll Not Be Seeing 50 Shades This Weekend”

  1. I won’t be seeing it either. The books are truly terrible. For excellent erotica, I turn to Emma Holly. She’s amazingly good.
    Meljean Brooks and Thea Harrison write fairly scorching Steampunk romance and Paranormal romance/Urban fantasy, respectively. They are GOOD WRITERS. And that’s what makes the difference.

  2. Ha! Jennifer, you’re the best. I love this post. Fifty Shades came out when I was 19, and I tried to read it, but stopped after the first ‘sex scene.’ That’s probably the only book I can think of that I regret buying (I don’t mind reading stuff that’s not that good or offensive/politically incorrect sometimes). I honestly don’t know how something so badly written could have gotten published by one of the top publishing agencies in the world. By the way, I heard a rumor that in book 2 of the Fifty Shades series, there’s a sex scene that involves a jet ski and a butt plug. What’s up with that!? I’m all for experimentation and passion, but that sounds like a bit much, don’t you think?****Anyways, speaking of erotica, have you ever tried reading Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty romance trilogy? I hear from so many people that that was really good, but I haven’t read it yet. Check it out sometime.

  3. yeah, this is a big fat nope for me.

    i read the first book to try to understand why people were going nuts, and all i found was glorification of a seriously abusive relationship. i can only wish Hollywood has played up the abuse so the audience is truly shocked and upset.

    but i have a feeling this isn’t the case. and i won’t be wasting time on seeing it, even if it happens to show up on HBO. NOPE NOPE NOPE.

  4. I get all of that kind of stuff I need from OH! John Ringo NO!. Course I only read him for the shooting and explosions and the mass slaughter of Jihadists, sex traffickers, drug dealers… you know, the articles!

  5. Hey now, it could have been a super elevator that accelerated to 120+ without somehow knocking her on her ass.

    As for the rape fantasy with side of codependency, that’s exactly what the original books were about. Hell, if you want to be really horrified look up the chapters that were leaked from Edwards perspective. Yes, she was originally planning on doing the entire series over.

  6. Lol neither will my whore of an ex wife if i had known it was about some cheating lying hooker who cant be honest to save her life i never would have bought it in the first place

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