I think most product warnings are silly, and I often wonder what kind of morons they are written for. Do people really use hair dryers in the bathtub? Do we really want to continue the genetic material of people that think drain cleaner is good to drink? Or the sleeping aids that list drowsiness as a side effect? Isn’t that kind of the point?
But I have one to offer that may actually provide you with some level of benefit. Trust me on this one. I have learned the hard way.
DO NOT TAKE YOUR CHILDREN TO MCDONALDS! At least for now. I realize this is a nearly impossible task since children are implanted at some point in the birth canal with an insatiable desire for whatever the guy in the big red shoes has to offer. (I think McDonalds has devised top secret technology to actually beam their commercials directly into the womb.)
I realize that a Happy Meal contains specially developed pre-teen crack and the addiction is a serious one, but you have to be strong. It will be worth it. Right now, in the Happy Meal, they are giving away Kidz Bop CDs. Some of you may not be aware of Kidz Bop, and you are so very lucky. Some sadistic studio guy decided that it would be a great idea to take some inane pop music and then have some tone deaf children sing along at the top of their lungs. He would record this abomination and burn it to CDs to distribute to children. The original plan was to ship them to Guantanamo, but the Geneva conventions forbid torture.
As unsuspecting parents, we slipped the brightly packaged disc into the car’s CD player and were subjected to this wretched thing that makes elevator music sound artistic. But that’s not the worst of it! No, they apparently commissioned the best catchy jingle writers in the business. It sticks in your mind! Long after the car is parked, the ill-conceived (begin exagerated air quotes) harmonies and melodies (/exagerated air quotes) continue to create this cacophony in your mind.
There is but one cure. Be aware that some times the cure is painful as well, but at least it will eliminate the disease. If you have been subjected to the horrific Kidz Bop CDs, click on this link.
Side effects may include: head bopping, toe-tapping, maniacal giggling, inability to see mushrooms the same way again. Use only as directed.