Parental Advisory

I think most product warnings are silly, and I often wonder what kind of morons they are written for.  Do people really use hair dryers in the bathtub?  Do we really want to continue the genetic material of people that think drain cleaner is good to drink?  Or the sleeping aids that list drowsiness as a side effect?  Isn’t that kind of the point?

But I have one to offer that may actually provide you with some level of benefit.  Trust me on this one.  I have learned the hard way.

DO NOT TAKE YOUR CHILDREN TO MCDONALDS!  At least for now.  I realize this is a nearly impossible task since children are implanted at some point in the birth canal with an insatiable desire for whatever the guy in the big red shoes has to offer.  (I think McDonalds has devised top secret technology to actually beam their commercials directly into the womb.)

I realize that a Happy Meal contains specially developed pre-teen crack and the addiction is a serious one, but you have to be strong.  It will be worth it.  Right now, in the Happy Meal, they are giving away Kidz Bop CDs.  Some of you may not be aware of Kidz Bop, and you are so very lucky.  Some sadistic studio guy decided that it would be a great idea to take some inane pop music and then have some tone deaf children sing along at the top of their lungs.  He would record this abomination and burn it to CDs to distribute to children.  The original plan was to ship them to Guantanamo, but the Geneva conventions forbid torture.

As unsuspecting parents, we slipped the brightly packaged disc into the car’s CD player and were subjected to this wretched thing that makes elevator music sound artistic.  But that’s not the worst of it!  No, they apparently commissioned the best catchy jingle writers in the business.  It sticks in your mind!  Long after the car is parked, the ill-conceived (begin exagerated air quotes) harmonies and melodies (/exagerated air quotes) continue to create this cacophony in your mind.

There is but one cure.  Be aware that some times the cure is painful as well, but at least it will eliminate the disease.  If you have been subjected to the horrific Kidz Bop CDs, click on this link.

Side effects may include: head bopping, toe-tapping, maniacal giggling, inability to see mushrooms the same way again.  Use only as directed.

6 thoughts on “Parental Advisory”

  1. Parents, talk to your kids about Kidz Bop. They’ll listen to you.

    You remember those ear slugs in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan? Those things seem reasonable after subjecting myself to approximately 180-seconds of Kidz Bop. *shudder. cold, cold shudder.*

    Michael’s last blog post..New Page!!!

  2. And what I love is the ‘kid friendly songs’ have lyrics like

    She was gonna shake her ass
    on the hood of Whitesnake’s car

    yea, just was I would want to have to explain to a five year old

    “Daddy, what does ‘shake your ass’ mean? And what’s a Whitesnake?””

    “Gee, pumpkin, ask your mother.”

    Well, I guess it would be easier than I expected.

    instinct’s last blog post..God Bless you Sharon

  3. Yah – I especially like the way they seem to think that adding screechy children’s voices to the track will somehow negate the lyrics to “Party like a Rockstar”

    bitches wanna marry me
    they see me they just might panic
    my ice make em go down quick
    like the Titanic!
    yeah, i’m wit da shop boyz
    you know what we do

    No kidding – on Kidz Bop 13

    ….”How to Save a Life” translates well, too.

    – MuscleDaddy

  4. Hmm, I thought “How to Save a Life” was about telling a friend about Jesus. Looking it up, I guess it is about mentoring a teen crack-head. Can see it either way.

    I was shocked when I saw some of the songs on the two discs that I got with my 2 year old and 4 year old’s happy meals :O.

    I just told my sons that I didn’t like some of the songs and skipped them. They still trust me, so it worked. The boys listen to all the same music I do. So they have heard some of the songs on the discs before: “Since you been gone”, “We got the beat”,

    We have disc 2
    1. Superstar (Skipped)
    2. With Love (Skipped)
    3. Chariot (Skipped)
    4. Since You Been Gone

    and

    disc 8
    1. Kryptonite
    2. Complicated (Skipped)
    3. Sorry (skipped)
    4. We Got The Beat

    I think I will show the boys how the shreader can eat CDs tonight. Of course, they may like it enough to start feeding it all sorts of CDs, so maybe that isn’t a good idea.

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