Oh Communal Break Room Sponge

Oh communal break room sponge

Squeezed and caressed by so many

Into soapy waters you plunge

And come out kinda gritty

You’re a virtual cornucopia

Of Chinese food and Lean Cuisine

And don’t forget, exotic bacteria

yet it is you, used to make things clean

I know, we’ll raise your mold ceiling

That’s sure to stop the disease

Think nothing of that nauseous feeling

You only aim to please

You’ve survived weekend fridge clean-outs

And mopped up Ramen noodles

You’ve even battled the chili bouts

And extra sticky strudels

We ignore your special culture

Grown right under our noses

Beside the kitchen fixture

Your secret, a sniff exposes

But no matter that, we’ll make a deal

To put of what inevitable

You hidden dangers delay, conceal

Making sure you are inheritable.

 

*Yeah, yeah, yeah-there’s some sloppy meter there. I’d direct you to my money back guarantee, but that budget will be cut in the next 10 years.

 

 

 

Oops, My Bad

Those inherently dangerous Cadillacs!  Mowing down pedestrians all willy nilly.

According to the police report, 25-year-old Lashydrea Chalon Rucker was driving a black Cadillac when the accident happened in the 1700 block of S. Broadway. The victim says she was walking on the sidewalk and crossing a driveway when she saw the black Cadillac driving through the parking lot, approaching her very rapidly.

The Cadillac then struck her. The woman was pushed onto the hood of the vehicle then fell to the ground. She says that after she fell, the driver rolled down her window and said “Oops, my bad” before leaving the scene.

Clearly anyone that drives a Cadillac is callous and has a blatant disregard for human life.  We simply must get these dangerous vehicles out of the hands of civilians.

The Real Killer Theory

I just knew that all the pieces were falling into place to finally roll out my very own vast conspiracy theory that Barack H Obama is the real killer.  I mean, OJ was on the right track looking for him on all those golf courses.

It all seemed too perfect.  I mean, we don’t really know anything about him prior to him showing up as the senator from Chicago.  He’s got narrow enough hands for the infamous acquittal glove.  He was nobody back then.  I mean, really, what better community organizing could one do than a Chicago style frame up of a well-beloved football player?

No record, no history, someone else takes the fall.  Perfect.

But now, apparently, Oprah has succeeded where everyone else has failed and gotten a confession out of OJ Simpson.

Wait!  Can’t you see it?

Oprah was instrumental in getting Dear Reader elected!

It’s all part of the ruse!  Obama really is the real killer, but OJ is confessing because he’s got nothing left to lose.  It’s the last piece of the puzzle.  Oprah is part of the coverup! She’s got a virtual army of brain-washed housewives salivating for their next call to action (or maybe free chicken).  She promised to use her media voodoo to turn Barry into a household name if he would just destroy an icon of professional sports.  With the market for televised sporting events down, she would be free to crown herself queen of daytime television.  She could be the one true shepherd of the television addicted sheeple.

And her power grew beyond her wildest dreams!  She even put her own hit-man in the White House.

But that was her first mistake, for his incompetence hit her where it hurt.  Her ratings.  She was forced to end the talk show juggernaut and birth a cheap cable substitute.  And so she goes back for one last hit on the beleaguered sports icon.  All for the almighty ratings.

And so I ask, faithful readers, have I missed anything?

*edited to add reference to the chicken debacle.  And for the opportunity to use the phrase ‘chicken debacle.’