You know what I was doing at 3 o’clock Saturday morning?
I was not being interrupted by a thumb typed message. I was sleeping quite blissfully next to my newly 30 year old husband. We awakened from our non-text filled slumber several hours later.
We decided to celebrate hubby’s 30th birthday by meeting some friends at the range. Our very dear recovering liberal friend arrived to surprise hubby. She’s been away. I’m very proud of myself for not ruining the surprise of her arrival. She was also fresh from a non-text sleep. (See how far she’s come. She even owns a couple of handguns now.) But she had heard the announcement on the radio on her way down.
Biden. Eh. Certainly not news worth waking up at 3am to hear.
We headed out for coffee. And just to make sure to piss off every niche group on the left, I will point out that an animal died for my breakfast. A very tasty animal. Probably not grain-fed either.
We then headed across town in my friends gasoline powered SUV. (Alright-it’s no guzzler. It is in fact, quite efficient, but she did drive it many miles out of her way for the event.) Next stop-Army surplus! There we fondled the firearms before finally purchasing some ammunition.
Off to the range. Oh wait! I failed to point out that there were seven handguns in the car. Two of which were loaded and holstered. I’m sure the fact that we were practicing our second amendment rights in such a fashion is sure to piss off another group. Let’s see, we’ve pissed off the Obamabots by not clinging to our phones at 3 in the morning. We’ve pissed off the vegetarians and vegans. We’ve got the followers of the Gorebecile too. Got the anti-gunners. Both the group that thinks guns are inherently evil and those that think it is fine to own them just as long as you’ve rendered them completely incapable of using for self-defense. I’m sure there was some other lefty group we offended before 10am. They are just so dammed sensitive.
The range session was enjoyable and much needed. I got my best friend to actually shoot a handgun. We burned through lots of lead and made absolutely certain that those sheets of paper would never harm anyone. One of the guys at the range counter sang to Michael. (Does a singing Marine offend any lefties? He did include a job at gays. It might be easier to keep count of the sub groups that we did not offend.)
Once our lead was spent, we headed to range cafe to get some lunch. More tasty animals died so that we could eat. And someone had the audacity to milk a cow so that our nachos could have cheese too! That’s got to gets some vegan’s hemp panties in a wad. I don’t think I’ve ticked off the feminists yet. Hmm. Oh yeah! My husband picked out what I ate. He ordered it and paid for it. (We weren’t that hungry and had decided to split something. I didn’t care what.) Over lunch, the four of us talked about what a cool guy George W is and other political points while we waited for my parents to show up with our son. (Who was once a fetus that didn’t get aborted.)
Our recovering liberal friend had to get back home, so I got my parents drive 30 miles out of their way in their SUV (which is a guzzler, incidentally) to take us home. At home, we drank gin martinis, disciplined our child appropriately, and worked on Michael’s new holster. Another product for which an animal died. He used some of my make-up sponges which I had gotten back in the days of modeling school to apply the finish.
I’m hoping that to celebrate the 30 years my husband has been alive that we successfully participated in at least 30 events that pissed off a liberal. Did we make it?
1. Ignoring the Obamessiah
2. Eating meat for breakfast
3. Supporting small business (the local coffee shop) ** bonus points that it is a Christian owned shop
4. Driving excessive miles in a non-hybrid/alternate fuel vehicle
5. Carrying concealed firearms
6. Supporting an Army surplus store
7. Continuing the corruption of our formerly liberal friend
8. Visiting the local gun range
9. Being entertained by a Marine
10. Laughing at stereotypes
11. Eating more meat for lunch. (can I count the different meats seperately? It’s my blog, I make the rules) this one is beef
12. This one is pork
13. This is for the cheese. Vegans hate that
14. Traveling in a different SUV to get home
15. Actually, all three vehicles that arrived at the range for our party were SUVs, so I’m counting it again
16. Discussing GW Bush in a positive light
17. Living in a traditional marriage (one man, one woman)
18. Requiring our son to follow rules and treat his elders with respect
19. Making a holster
20. Out of leather
21. Being the kind of woman that would even consider modeling (OBJECTIFICATION OF WOMEN! EEK!)
22. Praying with our son before bed (to the Christian God!)
23. Sorting our brass for the purpose of reloading it.
24. Drank gin martinis
25. Drank beer.
26. Completely ignored the media
27. Raising our un-aborted fetus
28. Chatting on a couple of gun forums (Michael)
29. Chatting on a gun forum (Me)
30. Enjoying the life being capitalist pigs has earned us
There are probably more things. I’m not sensitive enough to catch them all. Feel free to add anything else in the comments.
Happy Birthday Honey! We pissed off a lot of liberals in celebration of your time on the planet.