Feline Wisdom for 2015

Well since my 2013 resolution was never broken nor fulfilled, my resolution obligation remains in limbo. So I’m just going to let Ferrule take over the blog today. He’s been reading my Facebook news feed and judging you.

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He even took over my keyboard.

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Yes, that was Ferrule. He’s very helpful. He’s got some words of wisdom for 2015.

1. Sit more. Sitting makes laps and laps are for sits. It’s where petting happens.

2. Make peace with the pet hair. I’m just going to make more.

3. Strings! They are great, just had to mention it.

4. Poop happens. Sometimes when you least expect it.

5. The loud thing with headlight that eats cat hair? Just put it away. See number 2

6. When something bothers you, bite its butt, fluff your tail, and strut away.

7. Dude. Catnip. Dude.

8. There will always be more kibble in the bowl, don’t stress about it.

9. Go to the backdoor and sing about your adventures. Preferably while your humans are engrossed in the warm boxes with the screens that they keep on their laps. Besides, laps are for sits and petting, not typing.

10. When life gets scary, hide under the buffet until Mama gets home.

This post has been reviewed by the resident feline editor, Chance

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Yes, he is also judging you.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Is this thing on?

I know, I’ve been scarce lately. I promise, I haven’t forgotten you nor do I have any intention of leaving you. Life has just been very demanding of my time. If you can find a way to bottle sleep so I can just grab it on the go, that would help.

Updates:

Due to some reorganization, I had to give up my big swanky office and move back into a cube farm. I miss the space and the door, but it’s a positive thing overall. Got a brand new boss and cut my commute in half. Not to mention I’m in the same building with all the people I really need to deal with on a day to day basis.

The family is good and we had lovely Christmas celebrations all around. We took some time off and played video games for most of the week. Yes, it was very productive. And of course, there was food. We made amazing meatballs and as much as I’d like to share the recipe with you, we made it up on the fly. Beef, sausage, sweet potatoes, mustard powder, eggs rolled into 1 ounce balls (used the kitchen scale) and then chilled so they could then be lightly fried in bacon grease. Just enough to cook the outside, then placed in a crock-pot with garlic and marinara sauce. I’m sure I’ve left something out, but they were delicious.

I hope you had a lovely holiday and that you will have a very happy new year!

A Video Christmas Card

So we got together with some of our gamer friends and did a thing. You should watch. It’s silly.

The young man singing ‘2 Mashing Parents’? That’s TeenBot. And I’m sure you recognize the Evyl Robot and your high-voiced host.

Enjoy! And have a Merry Christmas. Yes, this is what I got you this year. No, you can’t take it back.

 

Amazon, It’s Getting Weird

First, you asked if my toilet paper met my expectations.

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Just how exactly am I supposed to answer that? Why yes, Amazon, now my bottom is delightfully poo free. Thanks for asking. 

Or maybe something like. I knew from the moment I opened the box that my days of drip drying were over.

I subscribe to this paper. Never missed an issue. Really, I just get it for the articles.

Oh well. I suppose since you sent me toilet paper, you’ve got to ask about it.

But that still doesn’t explain why you’ve now decided to redecorate my bathroom. You’ve got a rather…erm…interesting idea.

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I’ve considered various themes for a bathroom. None of them included a Stripper Sloth Shower Curtain, but MAYBE THEY SHOULD. (Go ahead, click the link. You know you want one. Besides, it’s an affiliate link. Even if you don’t get the Stripper Sloth Shower Curtain, you’ll be helping keep quality content like this online.)

And what accessories does one need to complement a Stripper Sloth? I thought maybe the other customers that purchased this might have some ideas.

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Well I don’t know about bathroom accessories, but if I drank a case of Surge, I’d be spending a lot of time contemplating my Stripper Sloth Shower curtain and being quite satisfied with my Cottonelle Clean Care Double Roll. And now the circle is complete.

Eye Catching Title Referencing Something Controversial

Introduction of my ideas regarding controversial issue. More words.

Maybe a gif

Thought out prose regarding how I came to this opinion. Some links.

Kitty.

Thought provoking conclusion.

Please provide your own inflammatory commentary below

A note about how I’ve edited a typo and corrected my link.

Further note attempting to clarify my position.

Did You All Get the Special Edition Jennifer Dream Decoder Ring on Black Friday?

‘Cause I didn’t. I didn’t even leave the house. But I had a pretty interesting dream last night and was hoping maybe one of you had gotten in on that deal.

So, I was an agent with some clandestine super secret squirrel organization. I was assigned to the night shift protecting some guy that lived way off the grid. The client was a paranoid nut job, but he was important to my employer. He was supposed to be some kind of genius and knew something no one else knew. He’d reported a stalking/threat type situation and so I was assigned babysitting duty.

He lived in a cabin deep in the woods with a giant black dog. Think mastiff sized. The client suffered from chronic insomnia brought on by his fear of this stalker, and so rather than sleep at night, he would sit in the front room of the cabin and talk to me. This went on for several nights. I would patiently listen while scratching behind the giant dog’s ears. Sometimes I’d bring the dog treats.

The client described his stalked as a man in sunglasses, a black hat, and pointy toed boots. The client still saw the man outside the cabin on many nights. I never did, but the dog would often growl in the direction the client said the man had been. Nothing ever triggered the motion lights I had set up on the perimeter, but the client assured me that the man was purest evil and was coming for him one day.

He didn’t only tell me about his stalker though. Some nights he would regale me with stories of his own secret spy days and his research. We developed quite the rapport. I thought of him less like a client and more like a distant uncle with nuggets of wisdom that would slip out in between the rambling of a dementia addled mind. I rather enjoyed his company. The dog would often snuggle up beside me on the sofa.

Having nothing better to do, I picked up some scraps from the butcher shop and headed out to the man’s shack early one night. Only to find that the normally well-behaved pooch had attacked the day shift agent. I couldn’t just call an ambulance because the man’s location was top-secret. But the man assured me that he would be fine while I rushed the other agent to help just as long as I returned before dark.

I returned at dusk to find the cabin burned to ground and the giant black dog was dead. Standing in the ashes was my client, wearing dark sunglasses, a black hat, and pointy toed boots. He was the stalker. The evil was inside him and had taken him over while I was gone.

And scene…

That’s it. All I got.

Meanwhile, Ferguson Burns

There was no good outcome possible from the grand jury decision. Had they indicted, the agitators would have rioted in supposed celebration. They were ready, waiting to start the fires, loot the businesses, and devolve the city into chaos. They were never interested in justice.

Eventually, the dust will settle. The agitators and their ilk will leave, and the people of Ferguson will attempt to get back to some semblance of a normal life. Business owners will have to make decisions on whether or not to rebuild. Many won’t, or at least they won’t rebuild there. And in the end, it’s the people that were caught in the middle that will pay.

No meaningful progress will be made in race relations with this. Quite the opposite, as I’ve already seen all over the internet. And truly, if your grievance is that the powers that be treat you like you are just thugs bent on crime and disorder, you aren’t bolstering your cause by proving them right. The person climbing out of the broken window on the front of the local electronics store carrying a brand new flat screen doesn’t exactly look like the victim here. It’s hard to argue that the police don’t need riot gear by staging a riot.

The world learned that there are real issues that needed to be addressed in Ferguson. I believe the events of this week will only set them back.

I agree with Peter, there are no winners here.

ETA: LawDog, as usual, has excellent thoughts on the matter.