And The Unicorn Strikes Again

Not to be topped by the man that dropped his pants and then threw a puppy at the Hell’s Angels, a man attempted to rob a convenience store with a caulk gun before escaping with a cross-dressing prostitute.  No, I’m not kidding.  Here is the news story.

(H/T Say Uncle)

And just remember kids, never point a caulk gun at something you do not wish to seal.

He Did What?!?!?!?

Best. Headline. Ever.

A German student “mooned” a group of Hell’s Angels and hurled a puppy at them before escaping on a stolen bulldozer, police have said.

Thank you Marko for linking this.

And the story does not disappoint.  They say the guy was off his medication.  I’ve got to wonder what kind of meds this guy is on.  If it seems perfectly normal for you to show up at a gathering of Hell’s Angels wearing a pair of shorts and carrying a puppy which you proceed to hurl at the people after dropping your pants and then choose a vehicle as swift as a bulldozer to make your dazzling escape, you must need some pretty powerful medication.

Wait!  I think I know exactly what happened.

Why didn’t I think of this before?  It explains everything.

Remember the unicorns and rainbows we were promised during the presidential campaign?  And also how the man that won decided to campaign in Germany?

Are you seeing it yet?

It seems the unicorn and rainbow delivery service got confused and sent them all to this guy in Germany!  He OD’d on the Hope! and Change! thus causing an inflated sense of invulnerability.  The euphoric high caused all his antics of the day.

See?  My logic is infallible.  Tell me the solutions the current administration has come up with to solve any problems make any more sense than dropping their pants and throwing a puppy at it.

In fact, that’s my new generic answer to life’s problems.

Mortgage payment past due?  Drop your pants and throw a puppy at it!

Unemployment lines too long?  Drop your pants and throw a puppy at it!

Health care too expensive?  Drop your pants and throw a puppy at it!

Oil in the gulf?  You get the idea.

Friday Fluff: Weird Crime and Stupid Criminals

Maybe it’s due to the seasonal change, but it seems there have been a lot of odd crimes lately.

First up, we have a man that went on a stabbing spree in the grocery store to protest eating meat.  He was upset at his grandmother…for cooking a pot roast.  So he did the only rational thing and decided to take it out on the meat department.  No, not the butchers or even the customers.  He attacked the meat.  Because killing pieces of already dead animals really brings your message home.

And speaking of grocery store violence, police shoot, kill ax toting man at a grocery store.  Prior to threatening the officers with an ax, he was just hanging out stabbing himself and telling an employee that he “killed people.”  No word on whether or not he was upset with the produce section.

And we’ve got a fake FBI agent hiring her neighbors to do clerical work.    Playing make-believe is one thing, but delegating out the tedium of your fantasy is taking it a bit far.  Have to wonder about the neighbors that fell for it.

Then there is the tale of the insurance agent that went back to rob his customer.  Seems like a decent gig.  Find out all about a guy’s assets and then come back with a gun.  Got the casing part down.  But generally, you shouldn’t wait in the car while your mark goes into the bank to withdraw the money.

But this one has to be my favorite.  It’s got everything.  A police chase.  A fleeing suspect.  And what even looks like a clean getaway.  The suspect dashes from his vehicle and jumps a fence to safety.  The safety of the prison yard.  I have this mental image of the guy getting over the fence and looking back at the officers ready to deliver some version of “you’ll never take me alive!”  The officers double over in laughter as the prison guards approach from behind.

Concealed The Meat In His Pants

I can’t help it.  One line from this story made me snicker.

Security at the Wal-Mart, located at 1500 Southwest 59th Street, told investigators that Rojelio Martinez, 40, concealed the meat in his pants. Martinez tied his shoe strings around his ankles so that the meat would not fall from the bottom of his pants legs, police said.

Plenty of men have gotten in a lot of trouble for NOT concealing their meat in their pants.  I guess the problem is because it wasn’t his meat that he put in his pants.  Who really want Wal-Mart’s meat in their pants anyway?

I’ve heard blow hard men claim that their was a risk of their meat falling out of the bottom of their pants, but I’ve never known one to take such preventative action.  Again, not his meat that he had in his pants which is the source of the problem.

For future reference, keep your own meat in your own pants.  If your going to put someone else’s meat in your pants, don’t do it in public.  Same applies if you want to put your meat in someone else’s pants.    Also, always get permission for either scenario.