Only Martha Stewart Could Make Food Look This Awful

She claims this is French onion soup

frenchonion

Did it just come out of the microwave? I think you left it in too long.

And this? Is that soap?

soap

 

Now I get it. She ate this. ‘French onion soup’ is apparently the euphemism for what happened to her toilet afterwards.

 

And then we have the four sorbets of the apocalypse

sorbets

 

Crush them before they hatch!

To all you chefs that get the ‘honor’ of cooking for Martha Stewart, please, for the love of food, take her camera phone away.

(found via @shitfoodblogger who was found via the incomparable Mr. Lady who should be writing lots more.)

Lost In Translation

I reuse the Chinese take out containers. I mean why not? It’s like the bonus that comes with your food. It’s the boring grown-up version of the toy you could have once you finished your Happy Meal. Why else would they be dishwasher safe?

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Except, I think ‘Microwave Safe’ means something different in China.

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Or maybe that was just for the lid. So I checked.

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Huh, I had no idea that ‘Microwave Safe’ was Chinese for ‘burn down the break room.’ Learn something new everyday.

When you see flames, you know your lunch is ready! Never mind the smoke and coughing co-workers. Nothing like the smell of burning plastic to whet your appetite. To the internet and beyond!

Oh those crazy Chinese with their lead laced children’s toys and toxic fume emitting to go boxes.

Guacamole Bacon Deviled Eggs

Devilishly good. Salty, smoky deliciousness.

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Sorry for the crappy cell phone pic. We were late for our party already

 

 

Make some crispy (this is important) bacon, set aside.

Make guacamole. This is easier with 2 people because one of you can make guacamole while the other deals with eggs. Use your favorite guacamole recipe. We only had 8 eggs in the fridge so it only took 2 avocados.

Boil eggs. Want to make them perfect and not sulfurous? Take the eggs that have been in the fridge for a week, submerge them by 2 inches in your pan. Bring the uncovered pan to a boil for about a minute. Cover the pan and kill the fire. Let them sit just like that for 16 minutes. Then take the pan and all over to the sink and add cold tap water. Then pour it out. Do it again and again until the eggs are cool. They should peel beautifully and the yolks should be flaky and yellow with no hint of green.

Take those yolks and mash them in with your guacamole. It should make the green brighter. Reserving a strip of bacon or two for garnish (and snacking), crumble the bacon into the mixture and mix well. Scoop into eggs. Each egg should get a fairly generous amount of bacon guacamole stuffing. Break up remaining bacon into bigger pieces to garnish each egg.

Serve. Be cautioned to get your hands out of the way quickly. You did reserve a sample for yourself, right?

Common Ground In The Chili Wars

Finally, chili fans of the world can finally unite against a common enemy! At long last the question of beans or no beans can be put aside for all can agree that this is an abomination to all things chili.

Yes, friends.  Chili flavor Ramen is a thing that actually exists. And it is an unholy combination of taste and texture that not even the little packet of crushed red pepper from last week’s pizza can correct.

I know, red pepper dude.  I am perplexed too.

This is the type of fusion food that must never occur.

You have been warned.  Do not try this at home.  Or while toiling away at your desk. Unless you live in a dorm and use plastic crates for all your furniture needs, this should not be considered a viable meal option.

I spent my 30 cents so you don’t have to. For the love of culinary decency, spread the word.

 

It’s A Zoo In My Freezer!

As I’ve mentioned before, there are 2 squirrels in my freezer. They are accompanied by the standard beef, pork, and chicken and also some squid. Until last night, there was a lovely piece of speed goat (prong horn) generously provided by a new friend. Yes, give me game meat, we become friends.  It’s that easy, folks.

So that’s all well and good, but it really not a meal yet.  Sure, I could just pull it out of the freezer and start gnawing on it, but really there are better ways to enjoy it.  Personally, I am pretty fond of having an adult beverage while EvylRobot mans the grill, but not everyone is so lucky as to have a creative cook that will both pour the beverage and prepare the meal.

Last night, for instance, EvylRobot and TeenBot browsed the freezer and pantry (ok, so it’s a box on the kitchen floor right now).  They eyed the pronghorn back-strap and the pre-measured, vacuum-sealed packages of forbidden black rice and hatched a plan.  (Buy the big bag of rice, measure it out, vacuum-seal bags, throw in box on the floor.  I call it unstructured prepping.) By the time they were done, they served up pronghorn medallions on a bed of black rice.  Sorry, no pictures.  Too busy eating.

This weekend is youth deer gun season so hopefully TeenBot will bring home some venison for culinary adventures.  Might have to hit up a specialty food store for inspiration and supplies.  If successful, this will be the first game he has taken, a milestone his mother has not yet reached.  Wish him luck!

We’ve taken on this task of getting closer to our food as a family.  Not only has it changed our perspective on where food really comes from and what goes into it, but it has allowed us new ways to bond and grow as a family.  It’s pretty amazing what you can learn about each other as you sit silently in a blind. Besides, how many moms get to gross out their teenage sons while skinning a squirrel in the kitchen? We’ve had laughter and learning and just time together away from the usual distractions of modern life.  (Although, we do still have the internet in the woods.  We aren’t completely barbaric.) And that next biology lesson is right there in the freezer!

This post is brought to you by FoodSpring. All thoughts and opinions belong to the author.

 

Although I Didn’t Get To Go This Year

I did get to sit across the table from none other than LawDog himself and watch the twinkle in his eye as he regaled us with stories from the convention. Clearly, we missed a fantastic time.  Next year, Houston better watch out!

Apparently, I need to step up the manicure game.

Pic taken by Bonnie. Alas, I was not present for this one

It is always lovely to see my dear friends, no matter how briefly. An opportunity to hug a giant cop and then break bread with beloved members of my tribe* is a fantastic reason to cut out of the office early.

Hopefully MattG and Phlegmmy enjoy the peach trees we sent home with them half as much as the NRA schwag.

*My chosen family

Green Tomato Bacon Pie

So I mentioned teased you previously about a pie we made from our green tomatoes and bacon.  I promised to share something recipe like. And then I didn’t for like ever.  Or at least, an eternity in internet time.

So now, I make it up to you by making you hungry. Yes, this is about as close as I get to actual recipes. There are no measurements and next time I make it, it will be different just because I am also incapable of following a recipe.

First, fry up some bacon.  A lot of bacon. I used a 48oz package of bacon ends and pieces. And because I live in a house where we love our bacon, much of this got eaten during this phase.  I believe 1.5lbs to 2lbs was left to go in the pie. If you can cook bacon without grazing and keep the rest of your household from grazing, you could probably just cook enough for the pie, and I stand in awe of your willpower and fear your iron fist. All of this went into the food processor once it had drained. If you substitute some kind of store bought bacon-bit abomination here, Cthulhu will rise from his slumber and bitch slap you.

Maybe not, but you really shouldn’t risk it.

Now, take some green tomatoes and half a red onion and saute them up in the bacon grease. Next time, I’ll probably throw a jalepeno or something in there. Nothing too hot. Don’t want to overwhelm everything else. Besides, I’ve got this if I want more heat once it makes it to the table.

Melinda's Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce
Why yes, that is Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce. And yes, it will rock your world.

Sorry for the fuzzy picture. Hard to focus with the world rocking like that.

Anyway.  Once that is reasonably sauteed, turn down the heat and spread it all around the edges of the giant frying pan.

Um…okay.  Why?

Because now you’re going to throw some garlic in the middle to roast it.  Like so.

Adding the garlic
Roast it, sear it, you know-apply heat to the garlic and make it smooshy

So you know, your house will smell delicious at this point.

While the garlic is becoming more deliciouser, make a bacon mat on some foil.  We used a pound of bacon strips.

A pound of bacon woven into a mat is a beautiful thing.

You should also be applying bourbon to the cooks at this point. You’re also going to need to shred up some cheese.  We used swiss and mozzarella.

Smoosh up the garlic and mix it up with your bacon pieces, tomatoes, and onions. Put all that stuff in the pie crust.

Then smear some mayonnaise all over the top of that. Don’t use Miracle Whip. That stuff is a sin against nature.

Your cheese goes on top of the coating of mayonnaise.

Mmm. Notice the granite mortar and pestle back there? Perfect for smooshing up the garlic

It should be a fairly thick layer of cheese.

And now for the application of the bacon mat.  You built it on foil so that you can just flip it onto the top of the pie.  See.  Always thinking.

Bacon mat. Bacon mat. Bacon mat. Bacon mat.

Get it all tucked around nicely and roll the pie crust around the edges.

Mmm. We sprinkled a little Kosher salt on this bad boy. psst. This does not make it a Kosher dish.

And into the oven it goes! Bake it until the bacon on top is crispy. What comes out will be a thing of beauty.

This image goes to 11. Click for higher resolution drooliness.

Oh yeah. This will make you fat. Your arteries will clog from the smell.  But man, oh man, what a way to go. The waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Get In Mah Belly!

Yeah, while everyone else brings you SHOT show, I bring you bacon.

Also, Epic Pie time because of Bonnie‘s timely FB post

But I’ll never match the pony blogging prowess of Erin.