Category: Attempts at humor

Amazon, It’s Getting Weird

First, you asked if my toilet paper met my expectations.

tp

Just how exactly am I supposed to answer that? Why yes, Amazon, now my bottom is delightfully poo free. Thanks for asking. 

Or maybe something like. I knew from the moment I opened the box that my days of drip drying were over.

I subscribe to this paper. Never missed an issue. Really, I just get it for the articles.

Oh well. I suppose since you sent me toilet paper, you’ve got to ask about it.

But that still doesn’t explain why you’ve now decided to redecorate my bathroom. You’ve got a rather…erm…interesting idea.

sloth

I’ve considered various themes for a bathroom. None of them included a Stripper Sloth Shower Curtain, but MAYBE THEY SHOULD. (Go ahead, click the link. You know you want one. Besides, it’s an affiliate link. Even if you don’t get the Stripper Sloth Shower Curtain, you’ll be helping keep quality content like this online.)

And what accessories does one need to complement a Stripper Sloth? I thought maybe the other customers that purchased this might have some ideas.

also bought

Well I don’t know about bathroom accessories, but if I drank a case of Surge, I’d be spending a lot of time contemplating my Stripper Sloth Shower curtain and being quite satisfied with my Cottonelle Clean Care Double Roll. And now the circle is complete.

Jennifer’s Fool Proof Post Holiday Diet

Here we go, barrelling straight into the holidays. The more restrained among you still have a bowl of Halloween candy that you’ve been surreptitiously snacking out of. Some of you have already eaten it, while still others have squirreled it away from insatiable teenagers that weren’t even here that night so it’s not like they suspect there’s candy in Mom and Dad’s room…

Not that your humble host would ever do such a thing. With the Snickers. And the Kit Kat…

But that’s all beside the point. We’re here to talk about the holiday weight gain, and I’m here to tell you with careful planning and discipline, you’ll be able to satisfy all your holiday cravings with a simple method which I will detail below.

I’ll get to that, but first let’s talk about the pie, and the potatoes, the stuffing, and the gravy. Oh the gravy! If they are doing it right, that gravy comes from all the drippings from the turkey. That’s right, the fat. And then they are going to add milk or cream. More delicious fat!

You think you’re playing it safe when you head for the “salads” and veggie trays? Think again. Those veggie trays are centered around a vat of ranch dressing. And the “salad”? This is not a salad, but you may find it displayed as one.

What if I told you that with the information I’m going to give you below the break, you could indulge in the snicker salad AND all of the miraculous cookies that appear in the your break room? You want to build a six-inch cone of whipped cream on top of that pumpkin pie, and I know you do, go for it. That specialty strawberry cream that you asked someone to make special for you. You won’t even have to take it home before you eat it straight out of the pie tin and still be amazed at the number on the scale.

All of this and more is offered to you completely free of charge. Just click below the break to subscribe to my completely fraudulent and non-existent newsletter. Just $9.99 a month. Read to the end for an exclusive discount!

Continue reading Jennifer’s Fool Proof Post Holiday Diet

Today Could Be Your Lucky Day

You, yes you could be a winner. This could be the key.

That right, folks. It’s a mystery cartridge. Could it be a pre-release of an extremely rare game? Maybe it’s a one of a kind. Could that be an authentic Cheetos stain? Is that the actual thumbprint of Donkey Kong?  Does it carry in its circuits the secret incantation to end global warming? Is it cursed? The possibilities are endless.

Are you brave enough to find out? Because you, my friend, could be the proud new owner of this, the cartridge of mystery*.

*Seller is not responsible for any curses, blessings, or sudden garden gnome addiction that may or may not occur when the cartridge is booted up. Item ships As-Is plus incidental cat hair at no extra charge. 

Teasing Death

Met this guy the other day.

Jen1

Evyl stood his ground

Michael1

The TeenBot sized him up. Besides, there was a bear in a sombrero there for back-up.

Isaac

Me? I did the only logical thing.

Jen2Brat

What? How would you react to meeting death in a gift shop? I knew he wasn’t there for me. When death comes for me, it’ll be random, hilarious, and earn me the lifetime achievement spot on the rubber knife award.

A Study in Hats

So what happens when the EvylEmpyre goes on a field trip?

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Contemplation

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Hmm

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Needs a hotdog

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Surely the silliness couldn’t be generational

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My goodness!

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Elsewhere

If I’m going to be funny on the internet, I should really make with the funny here.

and

And a thought for my readers, now that Oklahoma has to recognize marriage licenses from New Jersey, how long until New Jersey has to recognize my carry permit? I mean, it’s not like civil rights should apply to everyone, everywhere. Particularly those rights actually mentioned in the Constitution.

Personally, I’m for consenting adults marrying who they want, smoking what they want, and having the right to protect themselves with an assault rifle if they so choose.

Well That’s Different

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Here’s the rest of that conversation
Goat

An Open Letter to Weird Al

Al,

Can I call you Al? I mean, we’ve been through so much these nearly 36 years now. I mean, I’ve shared all 35 of my birthdays with you. I think I should be able to skip the formalities at this point. Besides, you’ve been recording for my entire life. You aren’t Weird, you are just the Al I’ve always known and loved.

That is, until recently. You see, I assumed that even though I’ve pointed out our shared date of birth on multiple occasions, I’ve somehow flown under your radar. At least Think Geek noticed.

And then you did this:

So maybe it IS just a coincidence that you went and threw a birthday party for my favorite pony. Have you seen my socks?


And then you did this

Really, Al? You had to call me out like that? Oh don’t think I didn’t notice. Kim Kardasian’s birthday is two days prior to yours and mine. That’s a completely different zodiac sign.

No, you aren’t Weird to me. Not anymore. Now you’re Passive Aggressive Al.

Your “lame” fan,

Jennifer

PS. I still bought your album (Congrats on being #1)

PPS. You could totally make it up to me. My darling husband has some ideas to get our readers involved.