Ack Zombies!

Mindless drones wandering the city in search of brains! Hub has a fantastic article about how to be prepared for the eventuality of a zombie invasion. You can never be too careful.

Unfortunately, I find the article a little lacking. I mean, what if the zombie is in the form of an over-bleached, over-tanned trophy wife? It could happen. Just look here. That must be the explanation. She’s a zombie. She keeps buying clothes and Starbucks, but what she really needs are brains. Delicious brains.

So the question here is what to do about this particular kind of zombie. Sturdy scissors are the solution. When she comes at you with her credit cards, simply slice up the worthless plastic. She’ll be reduced to a shrieking pile of make-up and silicone, and you can walk away unscathed.

Don’t worry about her six kids, the marker-wielding liberals will take care of them. It’s all about the chiiiiillldren! Or so they say. Really they are just churning out entitlement hungry zombies. (See, I got back to the zombie point)

These are easy to conquer. Take their food stamps and give them lawn mowers or dust mops. This eliminates both the welfare zombies and the illegal-immigrant zombies in one swoop.

October 23, 1978

Yep, it’s my birthday. That’s the actual date of my emergence from my mother. Do the math, I’ll wait.
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Are you finished? Or has the school system failed. Here’s another minute.
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Don’t you hate it when people add superfluous spaces? And make you do math while reading a blog? That’s just wrong. I’ll stop. I’m 29 today. Yep, the first time too. I’m told it will be the first of many times that I turn 29. That is, once I convince them that I’m not kidding. As of today, I’m not afraid of turning 30 or 40 or anything else. That may change in the next 364 days, or 10 years and 364 days, I just don’t know. What annoys me is that everyone laughs when I tell them that I am 29 today. Seriously people. Do I look enough older than 29 that I should have any business lying about my age? The profile pic was taken last year; I don’t think I look that much different but I will try and get a more recent one for your enjoyment.

So Happy Birthday to me! Yada. Yada. Yada. Didn’t get me a gift? That’s okay. I accept random donations. It’s not tax deductible.





They stole it from us. The precious

Nope, not about Lord of the Rings in any way shape or form. Just me griping about unnatural time.

In March of this year, an hour was hijacked. That’s right. Stolen while we slept. No one even left a note. I would have paid the ransom. But no. They stole it from us with promises that it would be returned in November. They make it sound like my precious hour is going on an extended vacation. I’m sure in reality they are keeping it a little room with no sunlight and only bread and water for sustenance. Right now, it’s probably being subjected to daily water torture. Just wait until the pictures come out.

It’s a conspiracy I tell you! They are trying to control us. It’s much harder to think clearly when haven’t had enough sleep. And the extra snoozing just eats up the time when hubby could make espresso. Instead, I have to drink the G.A.A.C. (Generally Accepted As Coffee) at the office. This is why people bring guns to work! I know it’s true, here’s the biblical reference:

If you shout a pleasant greeting to your neighbor too early in the morning, it will be counted as a curse! Proverbs 27:14

Words to live by, don’t you think?

Funniest line I’ve read in the news

I read a lot of internet news. Many stories come via The Daily Kitten—thank you Dee. I found this one all on my own though. One line made me seriously laugh out loud. Seriously, read this and tell me all about your mental picture.

About 150 police in riot gear went into the compound to find the ex-nuns defiantly singing religious songs and playing instruments, Puzewicz said.

Good thing the 150 police wore their riot gear! Can you imagine the possible consequences. Being smacked with a tambourine is sure to sting. Kum-by-WHAM my Lord, Kum-by-SMACK……We all know the havoc that would create in the little Polish town.

This line makes me laugh so hard I nearly peed myself. As if the riot gear part wasn’t enough, he says they were “defiantly singing religious songs and playing instruments” Oh man, that’s rebellious. That may have corrupted to locals that were sneaking them food. Shield your children!

And the scene ended this way.

Hours later, after mild resistance and insults from the ex-nuns and the intervention of psychologists, about 65 defeated ex-nuns, escorted by policewomen, walked out calmly in their black habits — some carrying guitars, others tambourines or small drums — and boarded buses.

I’m so glad this public threat was removed. They had guitars people! Don’t you understand the imminent danger? Better send in 2 riot geared cops for each nun and a few extra just to be safe.

Whew, I’m so glad my tax dollars go to pay for public health care for kids that are too good for public schools instead. (Thank you Michelle Malkin) Oops! I slipped something political in there. Just when you thought it was safe. Hey everyone! Chain smoke: it’s for the children!

Gift or Gremlin?

I got a surprise package in the mail on Saturday. It was a tube containing 4 posters. 2 copies of this one,

and 2 copies of a President Bush one. You can order them here. The surprise is that I didn’t order them. I thought about it, but didn’t. But they came anyway. $4.60 charged to someone else. I figure it has to be one of four scenarios.

  1. I have a secret admirer. If so, I assume that you are reading this. I know your name because it showed on the invoice, but I’m not going to reveal it. Thank you for the posters, I’m really flattered. I’m very much not available though. It was very thoughtful of you to send 2 copies because my best friend/husband enjoys them as well.
  2. I have a fan that sends gifts. Awesome! Really freaking awesome. Thank you, and you rock! I’ve never had a fan before and unless it is proven otherwise, this is the scenario I’m going to choose to believe and revel in the head swelling. I know your name, so no one else can take credit and therefore possession of the well deserved cool points you have earned.
  3. It’s a gag gift. If so, you think I’m a liberal and the joke’s on you. I don’t really think that is the case though
  4. There is a gremlin lurking in the servers at yaf.org. It is possible that Mr. Cool really just ordered them for himself and the ghost in the machine sent them to me instead. If so, and you just happen across my blog, I still think you are cool and would be happy to order these posters for you on my own bill so that you don’t miss out on the conservative goodness. That would still be acceptable, but I would rather believe that I have a fan.

So, anyone care to guess what the scoop is here? Are you the giver and want to come forward to receive your cool points? You can remain anonymously cool if you would like. I know your name, but the other people who read this won’t find out unless you come forward.

And yes, everyone who takes the time to read my blog is automatically considered cool. But there is a hierarchy. Readers are cool, those that comment are cooler, fellow bloggers that link back are awesome, and anyone that sends gifts is seriously amazing. Especially since any gift received is completely unsolicited. Welcome, but not solicited.

UPDATE: Well the people at YAF got back with me. Apparently their site got hacked. It was a gremlin. And I was really hoping for a fan.

Oh No! Where’s Waiter Rant?

I”m looking for my regular dose of cynicism. I want to laugh at the day to day happenings of someone I don’t know. I want to reminisce about my days in the food service industry. But alas! this morning there is no Waiter Rant. Sniff. It was just there yesterday. I miss it already. I’ll look for it again later

Whew! It’s back! I was so worried

New Shoes!


Something you should know about me is that I love shoes. Fantastic, fabulous, high-heeled, high-fashion shoes. I can’t help it, it’s in my genetic make-up. I am a quarter Filipino after all. I know, that’s tacky. Seriously though, I love shoes. So when I saw these beauties on a shelf on Saturday, I absolutely had to have them. They are Charlie Horse by Luccese, and they were on sale. Big sale. I got them for $25 a pair. So I bought 4. 2 pair for me, 2 pair for my mother-in-law. Here’s the other pair.

Mmm Massage

In my office, we have some nice perks. There are soda fountains in all the break rooms, and there is a gym upstairs. We’ve got reasonable internet access. Makes it nice when I don’t want to go out for lunch. Which since I carpool with my husband and he has the car, is most days. I’ve written all my blog entries from work so far. (Sorry I missed yesterday, just got busy with other things)
Today I took advantage of a new perk, the chair massage. Twice a week, a massage therapist comes in and sets up her things in a conference room. We pay $1 a minute to get a chair massage. Oh so very nice. I sprung for 20 minutes today. I really needed it. I am feeling much better now. My fingers are all tingly and my typing speed is suffering for it. At the moment though, I really don’t care. There is still a knot in my shoulder, but it’s not a big as it was. And I can turn my head without wincing. So I am going to consider that an improvement.
For anyone that does not already know, I’ve been in several car accidents (not my fault, apparently I am really unlucky). In all of them, my neck took the bulk of the injury. When I was in elementary school, I was doing flips in a moonwalk and got bounced in such a way that I landed on my head. All of this has resulted in degenerative disc disease between my C5 and C6 vertebrae (or neck in layman’s terms). I learned this in my x-rays from my last car accident which took place in November of 2006. We were hit in the passenger side door by an idiot that decided to make a u-turn while we were beside him. I was in the passenger seat. Like I said, I’m unlucky. My doctor told me there wasn’t anything I could do about it right now and gave me pain pills. Idiot. This is the age of the internet, information is only a few keystrokes away. I’ve yet to find a new doctor, but one thing that was recommended for DDD was massage therapy.

So I got a massage today. It was nice. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight.