Ice, Ice Baby-It’s for that eye

To Robert Van Winkle,

All right stop. Just hold up and listen.

Sounds like your household got an intervention.

Did somethin’ grab a hold of you tightly?

Feel like some handcuffs quite unsightly.

Will you get off yo, I don’t know

Hope you weren’t treating your wife like a ho

To the extreme you rocked a mike like a vandal

Up on the stand your just a chump with a scandal

Better go in with a lawyer that looms

They’ll be eatin’ your rep in a poisonous pressroom

Deadly to your dope melody

When you go face to face with a felony

Love it or leave it you carry your weight

You better hit bull’s eye the law don’t play

If there was a problem hope you solved it

Check out hook while the attorney revolves it.

Breaking News! Occasionally, Hillary is Human!

According to Top News, Hillary Clinton admitted that:

Occasionally, I am a human being like everybody else.

The jury is still out about what she is the rest of the time. But apparently, it is not human.

Possibly alien? It would certainly explain her desire to extend citizenship to those that are here illegally.

Maybe she's a robot. Generations of science fiction authors have predicted that they would take over one day. She's entitled. This would explain her position on Universal Health Care. She would only have to worry about seeing a state employed medical professional on the rare occasion that she is human. Hmm, the alien thing works with that too. You know, depending on how she defines "Universal" and "is."

I know! Samantha Power was right! Hillary really is a monster. A key foreign policy aide to the Obamessiah would certainly know. No wonder Bill was seeking comfort elsewhere. Who knows what monstrous things lurk beneath those pantsuits!

What A Surprise!

I really do try to refrain from making fun of Steven Weber too much. Really, I shouldn’t go read what he writes because far too often the temptation to ridicule is just too much. But how could I possibly resist this list? The number one thing this pompous, liberal blogger is thankful for is his thesaurus! I’m not making this up. And this one too:

My ability to become sexually aroused at even the most horrific or banal moments.

Correct me if I am wrong, but did anyone really want to know? Maybe this explains why he writes his column. He’s just creating his own horrific moment to share with the world. It’s like literary masturbation. (Hmm, first time I’ve used that word in my blog. Should get some interesting search engine referrals.)

Sorry I’ve been absent for a couple of days. Been very busy.

UPDATE: Thank you Rachel Lucas for saying it even better

Why won’t the liberal bloggers strike too?

There is a reason that writers write and actors recite. And Steven Weber is that reason. Check out this gem from a recent posting of his.

It’s the poison in the toy beads from China; it’s the underfunded and underarmored soldiers in Iraq; it’s the jaw dropping succession of cronies in government; it’s the ping-ponging economy and the disingenuous disavowals of it’s instability; it’s the incessant enforced obsolescence of technology; it’s the mercenaries for hire deployed to fight unnecessary wars; it’s the corrupt and deceitful attorney generals; it’s the abandoned hunt for the perpetrators of terror; it’s the shrugging off of the anthrax scare; it’s the rising oil prices; it’s the housing crisis; it’s the squandering of the trillion dollar surplus into the trillion dollar debt; it’s the unending obfuscation and smirking and shrugging.

It’s the frightening shortage of periods; it’s the over use of semi-colons; it’s run-on sentence that will change the world.

In one, apparently large, breath he whines about mercenaries in ‘unnecessary wars’ then complains about the ‘abandoned hunt for the perpetrators of terror.’ I think he just thumbed through his copy of Liberal Moonbat Talking Points for Dummies which he keeps with his other most treasured possession, a thesaurus. He’s apparently skipping through the alphabet in search of new words. Today he read D and O but found nothing better that ‘ping-ponging’ when he got to P. I could go on and on, but English teachers are already vomiting on their shoes.

If this isn’t proof that Hollywood needs writers, then I don’t know what is. Everyone should be warned. This is what happens when you give an actor, previously relegated to no more than two syllable words in his scripts, permission to write. As Mr. Weber puts it-

They need to strike because they view the world from ground level level as opposed to lofty heights where the usurers dwell. They know that desiring the same thing their masters have in spades, that by kneecapping the creators of content, the hewers of material, the sculptors of tools, by undercutting the quality of the product in order to secure even greater yields, they would virtually ensure the end of, dare I say, all we profess to hold dear in this country.

Yeah, I could’ve said it better myself, but then I couldn’t laugh at his pompous wording. Yes, all we hold dear. We want our entertainment, and we want it now!

Please Hollywood, pay the writers what they are worth or we will be subjected to more drivel from the actors usurping the empty writers’ desks. It’s too late to stop Steven Weber, but maybe this abomination of journalism could be prevented in the future.

Breaking news

Alright, it’s just more celebrity gossip that struck me as funny. Ah the NSync closet! Not that I really want to know what secrets lie in its frilly depths, but this just made me giggle and snort.

JK Rowling is a Pimp

Yep, I said it. You know why? Because she is whoring out one of her characters for a little publicity.

Harry Potter fans, the rumors are true: Albus Dumbledore, master wizard and Headmaster of Hogwarts, is gay.

Here’s the story. Apparently, this is news. It has absolutely no bearing on the character and frankly, I think making it an issue cheapens the story somehow. You know, during the hours I spent reading these books, I never once wondered whether Albus Dumbledore preferred inies or outies. Now I have the answer to a question that I never even thought about asking.

Honestly, I don’t want to know the details of what anyone wants to do with another consenting adults. I certainly don’t care about the private life of a fictional character.

Well Mr Headmaster-Wizard, you better get out there and earn mama some more money before she has to slap you around. And let that be a lesson to all the young witches and wizards, Ms. Rowling wants her bling.

Judge of Character

*snicker
I always chide myself for reading some gossip story about celebrities. That is, until I find a real gem like this piece. Scroll past the thing about Britney’s underwear (or lack thereof), there it is! I could really care less about Owen Wilson being on or off the wagon. This is the part that makes me giggle:

Won’t somebody please listen to Courtney Love?!….“Night in the Museum” co-stars are hanging together once again, despite Courtney’s warnings.

Ha! Ha! Ha! What kind of a person do you have to be for Courtney Love to call you a bad influence? This Steve guy must really be trouble. Hmm, who should one ask about staying clean and sober? Well Courtney’s certainly spent the time researching rehab and how not to do it, maybe she really is the expert.

TV

I don’t watch TV. I know, weird right? I missed Brittney’s *ahem* comeback performance. Yeah, I’ve seen it online. It was bad. Seriously though, she was never good in the first place. She was just a gyrating mass of over-exposed flesh. Honestly, I’ve read enough about the supreme awfulness of it and the pathetic people defending her. That’s the thing with Hollywood annoyances, they aren’t real and if you ignore them, they really will go away. Hollywood types survive on attention alone. It doesn’t matter if you are hurling vile insults at them with your acid tipped comments. How many times have you ever heard about an attention starved media icon? You don’t. It’s bad for ratings. They don’t care whether or not you like it, they just want you to watch. The train wreck factor applies in the the entertainment industry.
I do watch movies though. And I love a good anime. We’re up to 3 shelves of anime DVD’s. I have warned you that I am a nerd right? When the IRS paid back the interest free loan we gave them last year, we took the money and bought a high definition projector. It’s so cool. And there is just something seriously awesome about seeing the images of giant robots 3 feet tall. Ichigo’s sword really is freaking huge on a 91 inch screen painted on the wall. And the best part about it is, I never have to see an anime heroine 20 pounds over-weight prancing around in bikini that is 2 sizes too small. They would never draw her that way. It’s just not hot.